


HetaPotter-The Over-Exaggeration But Not Really

by WizardForever99



Series: HetaPotter [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: (older chapters are from before the hiatus), F/M, Gen, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, extremely slow chapter updates now the author is busy once again, newer chapters are from the Chapter the Author Doesn't Really Like and onwards
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2018-05-26 09:47:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 32,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6233821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WizardForever99/pseuds/WizardForever99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Amelia Jones!”<br/>“Hufflepuff!”<br/>Something was off.<br/>Even though the Hufflepuffs were clapping loudly, she noticed all the houses were clapping half-heartedly.<br/>And one girl stood out, Maddy, her best friend, her one year older sister...<br/>Maddy-no, Madeleine didn’t clap.<br/>Her heart fell.<br/>’Not good enough,’ her heart and mind finally agreed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Best and Worst First Day Ever Known to Amelia Jones So Far

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this might be a teeny bit rushed for the pace. BUT OH WELL. Also, some minor cursing from dearest Amelia.  
> -  
> This fan fiction is one I can't tell whether I like or not. There are parts I like and parts I'm apathetic towards. I don't know, just read it yourself if you want to and have your own verdict.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to fix this up. Hopefully, it's better than it was before. If anyone wants to leave constructive criticism or anything, that'd be great if you could, but don't feel pressured to do so if you don't want to.  
> -  
> Also, Madeleine is a year older, so just bear with me as I edit the other chapters.

“Jones, Amelia!” 

As Amelia made her way to the Hat, she nervously looked at Maddy, her year older Ravenclaw sister. Her best friend. 

She could name countless memories of her and Maddy in their childhoods.

Maddy and her as they threw cookie dough at each other before licking it off their faces, of ducking for cover, and shrieks of laughter filling the house. Maddy and her as they studied their Hogwarts books, Maddy helping her with basic first year material with warm eyes and bright smiles whenever she got something right on the first try. 

Tearing her out of her memories, the Hat was abruptly placed on her head. If placed was synonymous with completely obscuring her vision. It smelled a little moldy like no one had bothered cleaning it. Did people clean hats? Probably not.

‘Oh, Amelia,’ the hat said to her as if it turned out that something awful had just happened to Amelia. Like if Amelia would drop dead in the next hour. Or even worse, if Amelia's sister actually hated her. That would be such a nightmare, honestly. 

‘I want to be in Gryffindor,’ Amelia thought, clenching the stool with white knuckles and determined eyes. ‘I’m not smart enough for Ravenclaw, at least.’

’That’s where you’re wrong. You can be in whatever house you like. Well, I suppose you wouldn’t like Slytherin...’ the hat mused. It suddenly straightened up and she could actually see the hordes of students now, however blurry they were.

‘I must save you from the fate of evil.’ Amelia blinked, she certainly was not evil. She never wanted to dissect squirrels or bash cat heads in. She was the hero’s daughter who was also a hero! 

‘But,’ the hat disregarded her comments, 'the only way is for you to suffer first. Are you brave enough?’

‘Um,’ Amelia thought eloquently. ‘I am the hero’s daughter who’s also a hero if that counts!'

’True.’ The hat replied as if she had spoken wise words, slumping as a swath of material covered her eyesight once more. 'You are ridiculously loyal...'

"Better be...”                                                                                                                                                    

Amelia squinted. Wasn’t loyalty the main characteristic of-

"Hufflepuff!”

Something was off. 

She could tell through the diluted clapping of the Gryffindors, who were rambunctious for their own and while not as excited for the Ravenclaws, were twice as enthusiastic as the limp clapping now. It certainly wasn't as bad as Slytherin sortings when they booed openly and snickered meanly, she thought optimistically. 

And then there were the pointed, cruel laughs of some Slytherins as they gestured her way. "Another useless one," she heard one say. Similar to how the Gryffindors booed the Slytherins, they did the same to the Gryffindors; however, for Ravenclaws, there was some sort of respect for their intelligence, or pursuit of it, at least. “The house of leftovers,” another one mused to their friend, casually, as if not putting down an entire House.

And worst of all, the Ravenclaws as they, not quietly at all, discussed the logistics of each house. "Through this data I collected, you can tell most Hufflepuffs end up useless to society as they contribute nothing. Like the immigrants of the wizarding world, all they're good for is cheap labor. Even Slytherins, famed for dark wizards, at least churn out powerful wizards.” Well, at least she wasn’t an _asshole_ , Amelia thought darkly to herself, perhaps darker than she would've had it not been the house of her sister.

She can just about make out Maddy as she smiled faintly at her but looked away hastily, glancing at her Ravenclaw peers nervously... and Amelia’s already dulled excitement faded completely. 

She wished she could snatch the hat back up and make it say anything, anything that wasn't the worst house in Hogwarts.

Anything that wasn't the House of Leftovers, of spares and of unwanted little sisters.

Your own sister can’t even look at you, Amelia thought. Amelia thought back to when her sister teased her that she might get into Gryffindor for her brash recklessness and abandon. If only.                                                                                                                                                     

Everything around her seemed muted like she’d been plunged underwater.

Her body felt like lead as each step was harder and harder and her eyes stung like a million bees had taken to it. She slumped in her seat at the Loser House table, numbly relieved that she hadn't put her glasses on so that all her senses were faded. 

Everything was blurrier than usual and everyone looked like they were big blobs of nothings, splotches of color. 

She couldn't pick out Maddy like this. 

Maddy, her best friend, her sister... Maddy, who thought that she was-

’Not good enough,’ her heart and mind finally agreed.

* * *

Sighing, Amelia picked up her fork dejectedly, stabbing a sausage. Didn't Germans like it? She couldn't particularly see why, as she was on her second one, and all she could pick up were muted spices. 

The fork made it halfway to her mouth, but then her eyes flick up to see Maddy laughing, all warm smiles and bright eyes. She feels something crack inside her, something precious that got lost as she sees her happy without her, after rejecting Amelia.

Amelia put the fork down, uncaring as it clattered noisily against the plate, feeling too miserable for herself to even pretend to have an appetite.

"Hey," Amelia glanced up, and saw that the girl across from her was talking to her, "I guess the first day is always the worst, huh?" She had a foreign accent and an almost boyish lilt to the way she talked.

Amelia squinted, reluctantly taking out her glasses and putting them on, “Yeah." She had light brown hair extending an inch or so beneath her shoulders like she'd been growing it out only for a few months or even less, and green eyes. 

"Was it just as bad for you?" Amelia inquired, putting the events of her sorting into a box and throwing it in the attic of her mind. 

"Not exactly. I got the same response from the houses, but uh-" she cleared her throat as if realizing she was about to say something embarrassing. Amelia swallowed down her curiosity in favor of befriending the girl.

"Amelia Jones, a pleasure to meet you," Amelia tried for a half smile, lips twitching, yet part of her still felt hollow, like someone carved a piece of her out.

The girl shot a grin back at her, "Elizabeta Héderváry. It's Hungarian," she explained as an afterthought. 

Elizabeta continued, glancing at Amelia's stabbed sausage, "You gonna eat that? Hogwarts has the best food," she showed Amelia her stuffed plate. It had some sausage, a heap of mashed potatoes, some chicken wings, a pile of stuffed cabbage (at least, that's what it looked like), and fried bread dough with garlic and sour cream loaded on it. 

“They even have some Hungarian. I might’ve had to scavenge at the other houses. See, the lángos,” she pointed out the fried bread dough from earlier, using her native language, rambling slightly, “and the töltött káposzta, which is cabbage rolls basically.” 

A small giggle burst out of her, and it felt astonishingly amazing as if feeling a great burden lifted off her chest. She, of course, crashed back down a second later as blond hair flashed in her peripheral vision. "It's cool you can speak Hungarian," Amelia said, trying to regain her prior euphoria.

“Pretty much,” Elizabeta laughed as well, seeming a little pleased with herself as she puffed out her chest slightly.

"So, can I call you Liz?" She'd only had Maddy before, and now since it was Madeleine, she was eager to give a nickname to someone else to ease her pain.

Elizabeta seemed to hunch over before stammering a "Sure," and then smiling forcefully.  

Amelia paused and grimaced at how pained the other girl looked, she always hated people being in pain, because of her-“You know what?” she loudly said, ignoring that train of thought, “I think I like Eliza better!”

Elizabeta smiled in genuine relief, shoulders relaxing, "Thanks, 'Mia."  

"Mia, huh," she murmured to herself, biting her lip. Had Maddy ever called her a nickname? Madeleine sure wouldn't.

Oh, how brilliant! This could be the best coping tactic she'd come up with so far, in fact. Maddy was for the memories of her and Madeleine was for her now.

"Excuse me, would it be alright if I accompany you this meal?" a girl casually slid up to them. Amelia fought down a hysterical laugh at how she literally slid next to Elizabeta.                                                                                                                                                   

Amelia nodded, “Of course,” before realizing that maybe Elizabeta wouldn’t want to sit next to someone new. Or maybe she would want to sit with her and not Amelia. 

She glanced at Elizabeta, “It’s alright, right? I mean, it's alright if it isn't but if it is-"

Elizabeta nodded, "Yeah." 

She smiled, relaxing into the seat next to Elizabeta. "I am of the name Mona; a pleasure to be of your acquaintance." She had clear light blue eyes, different to Amelia’s bright blue orbs, and had her blonde-brown hair in a long braid thrown over her left shoulder, bangs hanging on her right side. Mona also had a large red bow. She was really pretty, especially when her eyes sparkled, like some kind of rare jewel. 

“I’m Amelia,” Amelia stated, ignoring the slight heat in her cheeks, before digging into a hamburger she had spotted. Maybe comfort food would help her forget of Maddy, she thought pathetically before banishing negative thoughts from her brain and plastering a smile on her face that didn’t reach her eyes. It kept twitching and it was extremely irritating.

"Elizabeta," Elizabeta proclaimed to Mona before stuffing a cabbage roll into her face. 

Mona laughed pleasurably, a ringing sound that soon got enveloped by the loud sounds of conversation around them.

Amelia smiled ever so slightly to herself, and the three continued eating and talking.

* * *

Finally, dinner was over. Mona had broken out of her shell more, shyly contributing to the conversation now and then. 

Elizabeta had forcefully suggested a few Hungarian food to Amelia and Mona which were pretty good. Amelia blabbered on as well.

She was actually quite surprised that neither of them had become fed up with her incessant chatter. Even Maddy had on occasion. Maybe they just needed more exposure to her after the novelty wore off.

Voices broke out, prefects yelling to be heard over the noise.

"Hufflepuffs! Over here!" a voice called out in the midst of shouting.

"Ravenclaws-"

Out of sight, out of mind, Amelia chanted to herself. 

Amelia reluctantly stood up, eyeing her messy plate, before an idea sparked in her mind. She quickly used her napkin to clean her plate. It was slightly discolored, and a few crumbs remained, but it was better than the sloppy mess it had been a couple seconds ago.

"How Hufflepuff," a voice sneered. Amelia turned around, facing an ice-cold boy with striking purple eyes. They were like Mona’s, like jewels, but in a distinctly different way. She felt at unease with him, and it was strange and discomforted her.

“Pretty much,” she said, although her blood boiled, and she wanted to slam a fist in his ass of a face. Stupid pretty boy. “Since I’m you know, a Hufflepuff.”

She walked away to her friends, if she could call them that already, and smirked as she struck a pose. “Walking down the runaway, faces pass and I’m homebound.”                                                                                                                                                               

Mona smiled softly, “I’m sure you did, Emily.”

"It's a song, actually," Amelia tried before giving up at Mona's 'do I look like I care?' expression. Mona had also taken to calling Amelia Emily, insisting about it. Strange but whatever.

Elizabeta grinned, shoving Amelia, "Whatever you say, 'Mia." 

Amelia huffed, pouting, “It’s the truth!" 

The three laughed before running over to the Hufflepuff prefect.

"Alright, now that... everyone's here," the prefect glanced at Amelia, Mona, and Elizabeta, drawling out his words. Strangely, he had cats laying on him: his shoulders each carried two, and one clung to his leg. He doubtless had more in his dormitory. "I will show you... the combination. Remember... this or you will..... be drenched in olive oil, vinegar, or even...” he trailed off, “Cat poop... Wonder where that came from... Anyway, it's this...”

"Merlin," Amelia whispered to herself. It was a simple combination, but Mona seemed so diligent that she even took notes. 

Prefect Cat Guy lead them into the common room and told them, very slowly, how boys could not enter the girls' room. 

Amelia yawned, looking around the common room in a slow sweep before glancing at Elizabeta and Mona.

Elizabeta had dazed eyes and was slightly drooling, but Mona was, as usual, concentrating on what PCG was saying. 

"PCG is boring me. How 'bout you?" Amelia inquired quietly to Elizabeta. Mona was unaware to the two and nodded along to what PCG was saying.

Elizabeta nodded, before tilting her head, "PCG?"

"Prefect Cat Guy. PCG, get it?"

Elizabeta snorted, "Totally."

Mona glanced over at them, with the hint of what could grow to be fondness in her voice, “Hey, we can go to the dormitories now.”

Amelia nodded, "Thanks, Mona."

Elizabeta jerked her head as well, grinning, "Thank you, kind madam Mona. Let's go now, though."

Mona nodded, and the three headed up to the dormitory.

Elizabeta chose the one closest to the window for the way the wind hit exactly that spot. Mona decided to take the bed between Elizabeth’s and the one closest to the door on the right side, which Amelia took, as she liked to be surrounded by her friends.

Amelia glanced at the door, feeling nostalgic as she remembers her own home with Maddy. Flashes of memories again, the smell of cookies and of new books. 

Two other girls showed up quietly, each taking their own bed. One had chin-length blonde hair in a bob cut, with green eyes. The other girl had dark hair in two ponytails, and golden-brown eyes.

Amelia promptly fell asleep, feeling both emotionally exhausted and emotionally repressed.


	2. A Very Stretched Breakfast and a Very Brief Morning of Classes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amelia basically bottles everything up. It's pretty unhealthy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also this fanfiction will have things like plotholes and not everything will be accurate. Once, again, constructive criticism would be great, but only do it if you want to do so.

Amelia awoke to the sight of godawful sunlight filtering through. She tried to doze off but it was no use, she was already wide awake. "Why the hell does this happen to me?" she muttered, before crawling out of her bed half-heartedly, and climbing onto Mona's. 

“S’burnin’ my eyes,” she claimed dramatically yet slurring her words, flinging her arm over the lump underneath the blanket. “Maddy, why?” she cried out in fake agony before remembering that, oh yes, her sister is ashamed to be her sister, right, what a wonderful start to the day. She puts that away in the crevices of her mind.

Mona snuggled back into her covers, "Five more minutes, please."

Amelia's lips curved upwards bitterly, remembering when she used to say the same thing to Maddy. Amelia chucks that thought in the attic of her mind too. She nodded and said, "Okay," making sure not to let any emotions flood into her voice.

Mona frowned and opened her eyes wearily as if sensing Amelia's inner turmoil. "Geroff me," she groaned, with a hint of a smile on her face, "you're heavy."

Amelia beamed, “Hell yeah!” All those burgers came to use! Just like Maddy always- 

Mona smiled back meekly, before shoving Amelia off the bed in a move quite out of character, and slipping out of her covers. The sound of their laughter filled the room, and soon Elizabeta was awake as well.

"I cannot even."

"Well, we better change into robes and sh-" Mona threw a pillow at Amelia with a small warning look, "-up."

“Not even a real word,” Amelia grumbled to herself.

The three grabbed their uniforms and changed promptly.

Amelia frowned at the Hufflepuff tie and hung it loose around her neck, unsure of how to tie it. She rolled up her sleeves, too lazy to button them. She exited then, soon followed by Mona and Elizabeta.

Elizabeta had her sleeves flapping around, and her tie was tied around her thigh. 

"Your tie's tied around your thigh," Mona pointedly said in an accusatory tone. She had her tie tidily tied and her sleeves were buttoned. Very fancy, very Mona.

“Pfft, whatever,” Elizabeta waved it off, yawning and leaning dangerously close to her bed.

"Amelia, yours isn't even tied!"

“Yeah, I know,” Amelia snorted giddily. She was absolutely riding off her morning high that came with having actual _friends_.

"And don't even start me on the sleeves; do you see how unkempt your appearances are?" 

Elizabeta and Amelia shared an amused look, before Elizabeta spoke up, "Mona, Mona." She threw an arm over Mona's shoulder, to which Mona frowned slightly. "Come on, let's get to breakfast."

Mona smiled, "I'll be there soon, okay?" 

Amelia flicked her wrist, "Yes, yes, Mona. C'mon, Eliza."

Amelia and Elizabeta walked off to breakfast, conversing loudly all the way. When they got to their house table, they saw Mona emerging into the great hall.

"Oh look, it's..." Elizabeta did a drum roll on the table. "Mona!" Amelia finished.

Mona was soon followed by two other girls. Amelia thought back to last night and realized the two girls were their roommates. “Eliza, they’re our roommates!” she whispered under her breath, and slightly proud of herself for realizing.

"Oh! She must have woken them!" Elizabeta concluded quite loudly as if she hadn’t quite gotten the memo.

“They are really deep sleepers,” Amelia thought out loud, remembering the morning.

Elizabeta nodded, "I'll say."

Mona and the other two girls reached their table. Mona flashed a smile, "This is Lilli Zwingli and Angelique Laroche."

"I'm from the Republic of Seychelles," the girl with dark brown hair, skin a mix between tan and brown (the light probably making it seem shades darker or lighter) and golden brown eyes smiled nervously. "My middle name is Michelle, so you can just call me Michelle or something."

“‘Chelles,” Amelia decided, with a small but (hopefully) kind smile on her face. "You look like more of a Michelle anyway."

Michelle blinked, before breaking into a gigantic grin. "Thanks! I think!" She quickly piled on heaps of food on her plate, eating somewhat sloppily.

"I'm Lilli," the girl with a blonde, chin length bob, green eyes, and a purple ribbon in her hair smiled timidly before beginning to eat quietly.

Soon, breakfast was halfway over, and everyone was finishing eating when a middle-aged woman wearing a pointy hat, with two blonde ponytails, emerald eyes, and a British accent gave them their schedules.

“Thank you," Mona smiled.

The brit nodded, smiling, “You’re quite welcome, dear,” she said before moving on. 

"First, we have History of Magic with Slytherin. Then, Charms. Herbology with Gryffindors, then Lunch. After that, it’s Care of Magical Creatures with Ravenclaws, and Potions also with Ravenclaws.” 

Amelia stared at Mona as she said the last sentence. Ravenclaws? This out of sight, out of mind thing was going horribly. Her mood plummeted. 

Subconsciously, her eyes flicked over to Maddy, and she felt sore on the inside. Honestly, all that she wanted was to make up with her sister. Was that so much to ask?

Luckily, Mona recognized that Amelia was not in the mood, and distracted Michelle and Lilli.

Elizabeta moved her over to the side, concern showing in her eyes (which was strange, since Amelia wasn't worthy of concern, she knew that), "Your sister's in Ravenclaw, right? You looked at her a lot." 

Amelia could see the question burning in Elizabeta's emerald eyes so she decided to explain. "When our mother," suddenly, the word felt heavy in her mouth, so she spat it out, "died, five years ago, she decided to take her surname. I look more like my dad, and she looks more like my mom. She was closer to mom, and I was closer to Dad."

Remembering her mother gave her a sour taste in her mouth, and flashes of dark nights pass before her eyes. 

Her mouth twists and something inside hardens.

Elizabeta immediately apologized, "I'm sorry," a small frown twisted the bottom of her lips. 

"Anyway, want to arrive early to class?" Amelia offered. 

"Sure."

And the two headed off. Amelia feeling as if she had forgotten something, or more accurately, someone.

Only when they had finally gotten to their History of Magic's classroom, after lots of gawking and speculating of what they'd forgotten, had Amelia realized where that feeling had come from.

"Crap! We forgot Mona!" Amelia exclaimed loudly, earning some pointed looks.

Elizabeta gaped, before letting out a "Mona!" and barged in. 

Mona was, in fact, sitting down (probably took some shortcut) and reading some book about broth and betrayal (Amelia didn’t even want to know).

And then class commenced, the teacher immediately beginning to introduce himself, “Hello. I am Mr. Beilschmidt." He had a heavy accent, but of where, Amelia was uncertain, 

Amelia idly wondered why so many people in this school have blue eyes. Blue eyes weren’t that common, really?

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Elizabeta's jaw drop. Amelia turned her head slightly, and Elizabeta mouthed, 'What kind of name is Beilschmidt?'

Amelia covered her mouth to hide a snort. Sadly, Beilschmidt had noticed, and was giving her an intense, utter look that screamed, 'Do not attempt that again or I will give you detention'.

Amelia's lips quirked up sligtly and luckily, Beilschmidt was already on the next issue at hand. 

"Ah, this won't do." He began to bark out orders, until he finally rearranged the class into a more efficient way. Amelia found she was in the front row, right next to Mona. She mentally smirked. 

Beilschmidt frowned suddenly. "Wait. Bonnefoy, Mona, please go to the empty seat in row four." 

Mona froze for a moment, before stiffly trying for a smile, and moving over to her new seat. 

Amelia cringed when she saw who Mona was sitting next to. 

It was that same boy from earlier, the one with intense violet eyes and ice-cold posture. 

Amelia blinked. "That dude's a hufflepuff?" she thought in surprise.

Apparently, she hadn't thought it, more like talking it out loud. 

'That dude' glared at her harshly, and she scowled right back at him. 

Whatever. Like hell she was going to apologize. It wasn’t that big a deal anyway.

* * *

Once class was finally over, Mona had scurried over to Amelia, and Elizabeta had come soon after. Mona seemed nervous somewhat and was acting skittish, eyes flitting everywhere. 

Amelia stared for a moment, before slapping on her bookbag, and taking a step forward.

Only for a hand to rest on her shoulder.

It's ice cold, and she can already feel the eyes burning into her.

"What do you want, dude?" she asks acidly, stiffening before throwing his hand off her shoulder. Mona and Elizabeta share a look, and back off.

He boils for a moment, face a bright, angry red, before he pastes on a fake smile, "Just wanted to say hello, da?" 

"Not your dad, but oka-"

His laugh cuts her off, and it sounds so condescending and mocking that now she's the one who flushes a livid red. 'Fuck you,' she mentally says, making sure she doesn't actually say it out loud now. Her blood rushes through her veins, and even after the red in her face passes, some remains there, and she feels something spark inside her.

"My name is Ivan Braginski, da?"

"Amelia Jones," she introduces herself, a little confused why they're being so civil. It wasn't that bad.

"Then you will address me by my name, **da**?" On the last word, his shoulders visibly tighten, and she smirks triumphantly, knowing she's gotten under his skin. She feels alive and has to stop herself from laughing like a maniac.

“Please, **dude** ,” she leans forward, smirk broadening, before pulling away and strolling away; _she **feels** something_.


	3. A Very Strange Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same as the other chapters.

After Amelia turns a corner, she frowns and leans against the wall. 

“I probably shouldn’t have said that,” she mumbled to herself, half angry at herself and half not caring. 

She hates that she picks on Ivan for lack of something else to do, hates that when there’s nothing to do, thats she’s numb, hates that this is what she’s been reduced to after only a day, and she hates that Hogwarts has split them apart. 

She hates that Ivan’s the only thing that successfully kept her mind off-

“Amelia?” A familiar voice called, and Amelia felt a tug pull at her heart.

Without giving a shit about whether or not she sounded eager or not, she pressed on, “Maddy?”

Maddy looks around almost guiltily, and Amelia realizes sickeningly that Maddy is looking for her Ravenclaw peers. Her gut twists and she feels like she could vomit. She timidly continues, “Amelia, how have you been?”

“I’ve been... Ah, fine.” She gulps audibly, swallowing the uprising bile, and feels as if all the words are stuck in her throat. 'Maddy, I miss you. I love you. Pleasepleasecomeback.' She swallowed the words down painfully and pasted a smile on her face.

Maddy blinks, almost seeming hurt. 'No, you don’t get to be hurt... Not after what you did to me.' Amelia sharply exhales after. Maddy continues, “Oh. I’ll see you later today?”

Amelia nods blankly. “I’ll be fine.” She winces after she says these words, the nothingness of it all so clearly transparent.

Maddy hurriedly takes off, and Amelia stares after her longingly, with a hint of hurt in her expression. 

She turns around, only to face Ivan. Amelia glowers at him, after he stands there for a long moment, something she can’t read in his eyes. Was that... Sympathy?

And then Iva-no, Purple-Eyes bursts into sudden laughter, his face contorted in a strange kind of mirth. It sounded different than his other laugh and was strangely familiar. “Comrade is ditched by the pretty older sister, da? She is more smart and kind?” 

Amelia stares with hollow eyes. She can’t care anymore, even Ivan can’t spark anything in her after such a horrible encounter with Madeleine. “Yeah, I guess so.” She knows she shouldn’t have admitted it to her apparent nemesis, but frankly, she can’t give a fuck because Maddy tore down her walls and now she’s feeling fucking vulnerable and it sucks. 

Purple-eyes scowls but it’s different than before. 

Amelia walks away, head held high. But does it matter, if her shoulders are hunched and her eyes are dull?

* * *

Okay, so all the other classes sucked ass to Amelia. 

Charms went off without a hitch, despite Purple-Eyes being a bitch. He didn’t provoke her, though, so Amelia guesses she shouldn’t complain. She had successfully returned the favor and not provoked him as well.

The teacher was this stout panda-bear suit-wearing guy. Kinda weird, but she wasn’t going to judge. ‘Shinatty-chan’ was a goblin or whatsever. Kinda boring too.

So Herbology with the Gryffindors. Damn. 

Amelia walked into the greenhouse with Elizabeth and Mona in tow. 

The teacher, a kind-looking Italian man who occasionally yelled pasta~ or ve~, began instructing, “Ciao~! I’m Mr. Veneziano but call me Feliciano! Ve~! Please partner up with the opposite house~! There's an uneven number though, ve~!”

Amelia nodded and went over to the closest Gryffindor, who was the closest to the door. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ivan without a partner, across from her. She forced herself to look away, because she didn’t care. She did not care at all, and her heart did not twinge in sympathy at all. She did not care at all.

“Hi, I’m Amelia,” she stated, flashing a small smile.

The girl, who had wavy dark brown hair and green-hazel eyes, scowled, “Katarina Lovina Vargas. Don't fucking dare call me Katarina. It's Lovina.”

Okay, then!

“Lovina~!! Come up here and demonstrate, ve~?” Mr. Veneziano-no, Feliciano (he was 20-ish, fresh out of Hogwarts, it seemed, and was really... carefree... Mr. Veneziano didn’t really fit). 

Lovina scowled again, “He’s my uncle.” She grumpily walked over to Feliciano.

Feliciano grinned. “Okay, so put on your head-muffs whatcha ma call them, ve? Lovina will pull out a Mandrake. It’s really loud.”

Amelia blinked, and followed his instructions, the class doing the same.

Lovina huffed and put on the earmuffs, Feliciano doing the same. 

Amelia stared, transfixed as Lovina yanked out a Mandrake, which opened its mouth, and then, faintly, Amelia could hear a high-pitched shout. 

She saw, out of the corner of her eye, Ivan drop to his knees with pained eyes, his mouth open in a silent scream. She looked around frantically, but they were in the back of the room, and nobody else saw him struggling. 

Amelia made a large x with her arms, shaking her head like a wild buffoon; Lovina understanding immediately, plopped it back into the pot, with a slight worry-ish look in her eyes.

Feliciano quickly whipped his head around, and saw Ivan on his knees, and let out a strangled “Ve!” He set out to Ivan, taking off the earmuffs gently and setting them on the table. 

Amelia tore off her earmuffs, and Lovina scurried over to her, taking off the earmuffs as well. “What the fuck was happening?” she whispered to Amelia.

Amelia gestured over to Ivan, and Lovina picked up the earmuffs. “Fuck,” she whispered, “they’re torn.”  
Amelia gaped, “Holy shit.”

Lovina gave her an approving look of the curse, before heading to her uncle, telling him how the ’stupid-ass ho earmuffs were torn’ and ‘why didn’t you check, motherfucker?’ and her uncle grinning at her antics cause they loved each other. 

Feliciano headed up to Amelia, “Amelia, ve~? Could you bring him to the nurse?”

Amelia stared. “Um, he passed out. Do you want me to carry him?” the last question was sarcastic, but Feliciano grinned in relief.

“Si, bella~!” He then went and told the class ‘blah blah safe blah accident blah blah’.

Amelia took this as a chance to slip out, and embarrassingly, had to carry him bridal pose.

She sighed, and tried not to think about how his silver hair was soft, and how his eyelashes fluttered, or how he was actually kind of... cute when-.

She almost jolted, extremely startled at that thought. What the fuck was wrong with her? She shook her head and made it to the Infirmary. 

The nurse smiled charmingly when Amelia came at the door. She had a french knot for her dirty blond hair and had a long purple dress that smoothly flowed, with clear blue eyes.

“Hello~ darling. What’s your name?” she asked right off the bat.

Amelia blinked, slightly off put her game, “Uh- Jones. Amelia Jones.”

The nurse nodded. “Madam Francoise Marianne Bonnefoy.”

“Oh,” Amelia said stupidly. “That’s a mouthful.”

Madam Francoise Marianne Bonnefoy nodded, “Indeed.” Her lips quirked up. “He is?”

Amelia blinked stupidly. How would Ivan be a mouthful? She then felt instantly stupid as she realized she was asking for his name.

“Um... Ivan. Bra...ginski! Yeah. He had torn earmuffs, and there was a demon plant thing shrieking. Baby Mandrake?”

Madam Francoise Marianne Bonnefoy nodded again, “Ah.” She set him on the bed. Amelia let her eyes linger, anxious for a spark of what she felt earlier

Amelia hesitated, and Madam Francoise Marianne Bonnefoy took that as a cue to smile coyly, “You like him, don’t you, Amelia~?”  
Amelia felt as if the heat had gone up in the room and all her blood rushed to her face, “No. I’m gonna go now. But thank you, Madam Francoise Marianne Bonnefoy,” she made sure to properly say her name.

Madam Francoise Marianne Bonnefoy closed her eyes, and laughed, and it was a pleasant sound, so Amelia smiled a little, but the smile was genuine.“Honey, just call me Marianne.” She opened her eyes again, and Amelia thought, ’she does have nice eyes, really nice eyes’ before paying attention to what Madam Fra-no, Marianne, was saying. “-on you.”

“Sorry, could you repeat that?” she blushes faintly.

Marianne smiles, again, charmingly, “Of course, Amelia. I was saying you should smile more, it looks good on you.”

Amelia fanned herself slightly at the pretty teacher’s compliment. “T-Thank you.” She stumbled away, back to Herbology and away from the kind, compliment-giver Marianne. (What? It was kinda weird being complimented! Especially by such a beautiful woman.)

Once she got back to Herbology, not much else happened. 

Luckily, she talked more with Lovina and strengthened their friendship which was cool since Lovina seemed like a cool chick already. A bit of a hothead, sure, but still pretty chill.

Lovina and Amelia made plans to hang out at the Gryffindor table, along with Mona and Elizabeta. Amelia was a bit skeptical, but Lovina then confirmed that it was do-able, that it was only suggested they sit with their house and not mandatory. (“Uncle who went to Hogwarts, remember?”)

But not much else happened.

Amelia found herself... Almost disappointed with the lack of Ivan.

Purple-Eyes, she reminded herself, reddening a bit. 

Amelia glanced down at the schedule, and a smile lit up her face. Lunch! Fuck yes, Amelia thought wickedly

Time to get stuffed on some freakishly awesome food.

And talk with friends too?

But mainly for the freakishly awesome food.


	4. Lunch and the Return of the Ravenclaw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thrice (?) again, please comment with constructive criticism, but don't feel pressured to.

Mona stared incredulously when Amelia tells her that different houses can sit together. After a while, Mona smiles, "How do you come up with this stuff, Emily?" 

Amelia smirked, “I have my sources!" She brashly strides forward in front of them, spinning around to face them as she walks backward.

Lovina snorts. “That source is me,” she added, taking away the illusion.

Mona laughs. "I'm Mona." They stopped at the entrance of the hall, doors looming over them.

"Lovina." 

Elizabeta grins. "Elizabeta." 

Amelia huffed, glancing between them and the doors. "Now that we finished all the introductions, can we enter the hall?" 

The four enter the hall finally, and sit down at the Gryffindor table. 

Surprisingly, Mona doesn't make any more protests. 

Amelia's heart jumps when she sees Maddy enter the hall. 

She stands up, a small smile peeking through, and goes off to Maddy. The three’s gazes burn into her back. 

She hears Mona whisper a warning to her but it’s too late. 

Maddy looks oddly uncomfortable. "Oh. Hey, Amelia." 

"Hi, Maddy. Do you want to sit with my friends?" She asked eagerly. “I have some, you know. They’re really great and nice. And-“

"Ah, no. I'm good." Maddy gestures to the group now entering the hall. There’s a reserved Japanese girl, and a flouncing, long-haired French guy too. 

“Oh... Are you sure?" Amelia presses.

Maddy frowns. "Yeah. They’re my friends. They’ve been my friends since last year. Well, Sakura not as much but still.”

“But I’ve been your sister your whole life,” she said in a meek voice, feeling very tiny as her sister stares at her, pursing her lips. She pulls her robes closer together.

“I didn’t choose you, Amelia, that’s the difference,” Madeleine pointed out rationally. 

Amelia shuts her mouth to keep another ‘oh’ from getting out. Madeleine looks a little disappointed and once again, she feels angry but she pushes it away.

Feeling her eyes sting, she tries to smile at Madeleine, and walks back to her table, her heart weighing down her steps. 

Lovina eyed her, something unpleasant and mean in her eyes. "That your sister?" 

Amelia nods. “Uh, yeah. She’s normally- I mean, she was- yeah. Yeah.”

The four stare in awkward silence for a moment before the topic turns to breakfast. 

"Hogwarts is expanding the food," Lovina mentions casually. 

Amelia nodded, spotting a Japanese girl eating a plate of curry at the far end of the Ravenclaw table with Maddy. 

Amelia recognizes her from before. The French guy flips his hair and says something that makes all of them laugh. 

She looks back to Elizabeta, who has been awfully quiet. "Eliza, you alright?" She asked, feeling a tinge of worry. Mona begins a conversation with Lovina about... Tomatoes? Alright then. 

Elizabeta nods shakily, looking pale as Amelia spots a boy walking as she twists around and follows where Elizabeta’s line of vision.  

Amelia frowned as she connected the dots. "Do you like him?" She asked bluntly. 

Elizabeta shrugs, a fixed smile now in place, "Childhood friend," she says, not denying the question. 

Amelia sighs, wondering what she could do to cheer up her friend and then feels her mood lighten as she spots her favorite food. She plopped a slice of pie on both her and Elizabeta's plate. 

Elizabeta looks up, and then after a moment, smiles earnestly. "Thanks, Amelia."

Amelia nods, feeling a little warmer inside than the freezing cold that came from Madeleine. “Welcome, Eliza.”

Lunch passed as the four talked on and on.

Amelia smiled and was glad-for once, everything was right. 

Not. 

Her eyes kept returning to Maddy, and had gotten so bad she forced herself to think about Ivan. 

And then she couldn't stop thinking about him unless she thought about Maddy. 

Which fucking sucked. 

And what sucked more? 

They now had Magical Creatures with Ravenclaw! 

Amelia angrily chewed on the last bit of a slightly burned burger. 

"Passive aggressive chewing. Nice," Lovina comments. 

Amelia rolls her eyes dramatically. “Yeah,” she sullenly replied, poking at the plate of french fries.

Lovina eyed her oddly, almost concerned. "This have anything to do with your sister?" 

“No,” Amelia denied immediately, too quickly. 

Lovina nods slowly.”Of course it isn’t,” she agreed as if Amelia was a stray cat with rabies who needed calming, as if she didn’t believe a single word out of Amelia’s mouth. “Alright. I gotta go to class so survive your sister." 

Amelia opens her mouth to tell her it has nothing to do with her sister but Lovina is gone. 

She turns back to Elizabeta and Mona, who are questioningly staring at her, raising eyebrows. 

Amelia realizes the two heard everything and reddens as her ears burn. "It doesn't." 

The two don’t say anything, just exchange looks, and it makes Amelia feel awful. She wants to tell them, but Maddy-she can’t betray Maddy. Even if Maddy is gone and replaced with Madeleine, she can’t betray the memory of her. Plus, it’s not like Madeleine is stone cold, she’s probably just insecure to her house would think so it’s probably not her fault at all.

The three don't say anything else until they reach class.

When they do get to class, the teacher is a bit of a wimp. He tells them to get into pairs with different houses. 

Amelia ended up paired with Madeleine's Japanese friend. Was this what Madeleine meant when she mentioned that she didn’t know her as long as French guy?

Amelia scowled at her, but the girl only smiled kindly. 

"I'm Sakura." 

"Amelia," Amelia introduces herself distastefully. 

Sakura doesn't take notice, and continues, "You are Madeleine's sister, right?" 

Amelia nods, feeling her heart jump. Did Maddy mention her? "Did Maddy mention me?" She asked, all previous distaste gone. 

"Ah, no. I asked her." 

Amelia's heart then falls. Never fucking good enough, she berates herself mentally before pasting on a smile. 

"Ah, I see. Thank you. Sack-eh, uh, say-"

Sakura laughs. Amelia wishes Sakura were mean so she could hate her for stealing her sister.. "Sah-kuu-raa." 

"Sah-kuu-raa." 

"It's alright, Amelia-chan." 

"T-Thanks, I guess," Amelia admitted. 

Why did Maddy have to have such good judgment in friends? she asked herself angrily as she found herself even liking the respectful, kind girl.

After the teacher dismisses the class (she thinks his name is Touris or something), Amelia anxiously waits for Mona and Elizabeta. 

Sakura doesn’t seem to be in a hurry, and smiles at Amelia kindly (again).

Annoyance bubbles up in her chest again, and for a second or two, all she thinks are venomous curse words. 

But then Amelia remembers Sakura treated her fairly, when Amelia hadn’t, as much. 

Now, instead of thinking Maddy, Amelia felt guilty. 

Jesus, Sakura hadn’t even done anything besides be Maddy’s friend!

Were these the things her sister once called hormones?

“Um, Sakura, I know I didn’t uh, act so cool back there so-“

“It’s okay,” Sakura interrupts before goofily smiling.

It’s so surprising that Amelia does the same. One of her few large smiles at her time at Hogwarts.

“Hey, you ready, ‘Mia?”

“Um, yeah,” Amelia stumbles, and when she looks back, Sakura is gone.

“You’re acting different,” Mona comments, eyebrows raised in a silent question.

“It’s the hormones.” She chuckles dryly.

Amelia’s joke falls flat, and the other two gaze at her almost apprehensively. 

“Come on, let’s go,” Amelia slips out of the classroom, praying they don’t push the subject.

They don’t.

The two exit the classroom around ten seconds later, no longer looking anxious but determined.

Amelia can’t help but suspect that they had spoken about her.

The three head to potions.

“You’re late,” a rumpled, irritated British voice says when the three enter the classroom.

His sharp, emerald eyes look sorta familiar.

“That we are,” Amelia spoke up after a pregnant pause.

“Sit down,” he scowls at her. “You must be Amelia Jones.”

Amelia brightens. “Yeah, that’s me.”

He mutters something about being warned, and then continues talking, “I am Arthur Kirkland, but you are to call me Professor, Professor Kirkland, Mr. Kirkland, or sir. I will not tolerate any silly nicknames like,” he winces, “Iggy or Artie. I will also not tolerate anyone calling me disrespectfully, as in calling me Arthur.”

Amelia slides into a free seat after ‘Iggy’ makes it clear he wasn’t going to tell her which seat she should sit in. 

Mona and Elizabeta did the same. 

Unfortunately, they were on the other side of the room.

Damn it.

“Bonnefoy,” ‘Artie’ spat out. 

Mona straightened up eagerly, uncaring of the professor's harsh tone,“Yes, Professor?”

“Which potion uses bezoars, mixed herbs, a ground unicorn horn, and mistletoe berries?”

“An antidote to Common Poisons, Professor Kirkland,” she provided.

“Yes. Good.”

Amelia snickered at his slightly surprised face. 

“You. Jones! What is Amortentia?”

Amelia leaned forward, Maddy had blabbed her ear off this summer. “It smells of what you love,” she supplies. “Or what attracts you, I guess.”

“Hmph. And what is its second function?”

Amelia leaned back now, and Maddy’s face came to mind. “It causes a powerful infatuation, or obsession, from the user. It’s not actual love, however.”

Maybe Maddy had that potion when Amelia and Maddy were growing up.

The thought hurts more than it should.

‘Artie’ scowled, looking as if Amelia had ruined his plan. “Good,” he grudgingly admits, before turning to the next unfortunate student and asking blah blah blah.

Class crawls on at a painfully slow pace so Amelia turns to the guy sitting beside her. 

“You are?”

“Edelstein. Roderich Edelstein,” he hisses under his breath.

“Cool!” she shout-whispers. “Amelia’s my name.”

Roderick shoots her a look, before going back to pay attention to ‘Iggy’.

Boring.

When class finally finishes, she stuck behind, telling Mona and Elizabeta to go on to the common room. 

“Heya, proffesa!" She finds the rhyme hilarious "Why do you have a nickname of ‘Iggy’?”

‘Profess’ looks at her, scowling again. “My middle name is Ignatius.”

Amelia ends up wheezing, doubled over. “Oh my god, Ignatius! _Ignatius!_ ” 

Iggy looks at her, face a bright red. “Whatever, Miss Jones.”

“Pfft. That makes me sound sooo old! Like, you-old. I’m Amelia!”

“I’m sure you are,” he huffs. 

“Anyway, will we be getting into doing some actual potions soon?”

“Rubbish. Review is critical, Jo-Amelia.”

“Pfft. My dad was pretty good at potions.”

“Really?” Artie drawls in his weird british accent, “Was he an airhead like you?”

“If I’m an airhead, uh, definitely!”

“He wouldn’t happen to have been named Alfred?” Iggy inquires even further, looking even more curious. 

“Uh, yeah.”

Iggs looks pensive, shoulders hunched before he laughs (jesus, the guy hardly smiled, now he’s laughing?). 

“My dad’s pretty cool,” Amelia boasts.

“Really? Does he bother you with all that hero stuff?”

“He is the hero, Iggy!” Amelia loudly states.

Then Artie laughs again. My dad is pretty awesome to make him laugh without being there, Amelia proudly thinks.

“Right, well, you must be off now. Homework.”

“Thanks, Iggs!”

* * *

“Hey, Lovina!” Amelia tries to call her out when she sees her at dinner. “Screw it,” she mumbled. “I’ll be back, guys,” she says louder.

Amelia escapes off to the Gryffindor table, and sits across from her. 

“Lovina, uh, I’ve been meaning to ask you a question...”

“I’m not getting any younger,” Lovina points out, rolling her eyes.

“So, can we go to each others’ common rooms?”

Lovina’s eyebrows raised. “You’re thinking of doing that?”

“Yeah.” Amelia shifts in her seat, her eyes flicking over to the Ravenclaw table.

“It doesn’t take a genius to see you’re doing this for your fucking sister, but whatever. It’s pretty uncommon but it’s damn possible. For Ravenclaws, all you have to do is answer a shitty, smart-ass riddle.”

Amelia grins sloppily, the relief lifting a weight on her chest that she hadn’t known was there.

“It’s not exactly fucking easy, though. I mean, it’s for the fucking nerds of the school, ya know?”

Amelia shoots Lovina a large smile. “Mm,” she replies, not having heard what Lovina said at all. “Thanks, Lovina.”

“No fucking problem,” Lovina mumbles to herself.

Amelia heads back to the Hufflepuff table, sitting across from Elizabeta and Mona, feeling as if the happiness might burst out of her chest. 

“‘Mia, you... uh, okay?” Elizabeta asks uneasily.

“Oh, yeah!” Amelia shouted, unnecessarily loud.

Today was the day she made an important discovery!

Amelia can surprise Maddy with a visit!

And she’ll be so impressed that they’ll hug and make up!

Finally, some progress.

 


	5. Nothing Too Interesting, Just Meeting Some Supporting Characters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amelia endeavours to get into the Ravenclaw common room.  
> And makes some friends.

So obviously, after another day of boring, uneventful classes (stupid Ivan isn’t back yet either), Amelia hightails it for the Ravenclaw common room after slipping off her Hufflepuff tie and stuffing it in the pocket of her robes. She only had to ask for directions three times so win-win, really!

Once she gets there, Amelia doesn’t see the riddle so she shrugs. Maybe Lovina was wrong?

So Amelia twists the doorknob, only for it to say, “A town only has one barber. The barber only shaves all of the people who do not shave themselves. So who shaves the barber?”

“Shit, um, I dunno. Crap. Okay, think like Maddy.”

Amelia squinted, and realized with a feeling of dread that a teacher was nearby. If they noticed she couldn’t open the door, they’d see that she wasn’t a Ravenclaw.

Shit, shit, shit. They’d doubtless force Amelia away and what if she never got this chance again?

“A town only has one barber. The barber only shaves all of the people who do not shave themselves. So who shaves the barber?”

“Think like Maddy... Like Maddy. What would she do? She’d think! Um, um... Shit.”

“Um, so the barber shaves himself!” She twists the knob but it fruitlessly does not open.

“A town only has one barber. The barber only shaves all of the people who do not shave themselves. So who shaves the barber?”

Something clicked into place.

Almost. 

“So the barber only shaves all of the people who don’t do it themselves. So if he um, shaves himself, that’s-that’s wrong! He can’t shave himself or else the first part’s false...” Amelia frowned. “Right?” she uneasily asks. She twists the knob again.

“A town only has one barber. The barber only shaves all of the people who do not shave themselves. So who shaves the barber?”

“Shit, um, it’s impossible. It’s a...” What was the word Maddy used for something like a catch 22?  
Crap, the teacher is looking at her way and is starting to come over.

“Paranormal? Para... Paranorman? Paradocks? Paradox?”

The door swung open, and she stumbled in. Her book bag swings, slapping against her back.

Thank God.

She shut it quick as she could.

“Maddy?” she calls out loudly.

“Yes, uh... Amelia?” Maddy stares at her, looking befuddled. “How’d you get in here?”

“Uh, I solved a riddle,” Amelia tries to smile. “So, hey, do you want to go to the library to do our homework?”

Sakura appeared out of nowhere, and after a quick, distracted smile directed towards Amelia, she brings Maddy to the side after saying a quick, hushed, “Madeleine-chan, I think...”

Maybe Sakura was helping her? They were on good terms, right? She eyed a comfortable chair nearby, feeling stiff and wishing she could just sit down.

Sakura and Maddy return and Maddy reluctantly says, “Sure, Amelia.”

Amelia brightened, “Great! Let’s go!”

Why did Maddy act so oddly anyway?

On the train ride, she had been acting distant but...

Maybe all this time, Maddy resented her?

Maybe, Amelia, was an attention whore or something...

“We are at the library now, Amelia,” Sakura helpfully tells her, a small smile gracing her lips.

“Thanks, Sakura.”

Once the three enter and sit down, they do their homework separately.

Mostly.

A couple times, Amelia doesn’t understand something and she points it out to Sakura, who bemusedly helped her out.

“Well, thanks, Sakura.”

“It’s alright, Amelia-chan.”

Amelia grins at her, Sakura shooting her a small smile, before the three head off to their own common rooms.

Amelia just exited the library when she sees Sakura hanging behind. Sakura’s face lights up when she sees Amelia, and she hurries over. “Amelia-chan, would you like to hang... out on Saturday?”

Amelia relaxes into an easy smile. “Sure. Would you like to meet up somewhere?”

“Let’s brainstorm tonight and we can decide tomorrow... At breakfast?”

“Would it be okay if my friends tagged along? I can ask if they’d want to come.”

“Of course, Amelia-chan.”

“Thanks! Bye.”

Amelia had to keep herself from smiling like a fool.

She reminded herself that Sakura had stolen away Maddy, but that didn’t seem so correct anymore.

Damn.

Maybe the French guy wouldn’t be such a good person?  
-  
Turns out French guy is cool too. And he has a name.

France Bonnefoy or something like it. 

Amelia collapsed on her bed in the Hufflepuff common room. 

After another day of classes, she was freaking exhausted. 

The duvet seemed to swallow her, but she reluctantly got up, and plopped back down, now sitting. 

How did French guy and Amelia even meet? 

_It was the fall of-_

_No, there was no need for a recapitulation (that’s right, Amelia studied!)._

_And anyway, it was a few days after she met Sakura, and she was staring hard at her food in the morning one day (thinking about ways she could make Maddy take her back, a little obsessively, maybe) when a hand tapped her shoulder._

_Left or right?_

_Uh, right, right?_

_Whatever. It’s not very pertinent (that’s doubly right!)._

_So French guy tapped her whatever side shoulder and obviously she spun around and did a karate kick._

_Sadly not._

_Unfortunately, all Amelia could do was whip around and clumsily try and throw a punch to the guy’s face._

_Which he let out a shriek of terror at._

_It was freaking hilarious._

_You should've been there!_

_Ha._

_So then Amelia laughed like she was a Satan of a child and then he realized it was freaking hilarious too so-  
Long story short, it was the best laugh Amelia’s had in a long time. Before Maddy-_

_Amelia stopped cackling like one of those crazy-ass cat ladies and she introduced herself, tears of insane mirth brimming in her eyes. "It's-Ah-, um, Amelia. Amelia Jones."_

_"France Bonnefoy."_

_Or he said something similar._

_His first name sounded like France with an added syllable._

_But since Amelia can't remember for the life of her what the heck that guy's name is, she guesses she'll just call him French guy of France._

_And then France started babbling about how glad he was that Hogwarts was doing a Multi-Cultural society crap program that included changing the menu and special lessons and all kinds of intelligent crap Amelia has no time for._

_And then he shoved this French baguette into her mouth and it was bliss, the crunchy outer texture, and the moist, soft inner bread. It's hard to explain but put in a short way- It was the damn best bread she's ever had._

_He kept ranting, though, and when Amelia asked if he had butter, France started a whole new lecture on how Amelia shouldn't tarnish the bread's quality with a piece of fat._

_Or something._

_France ranted a lot._

_Maybe it's just something French people do?_

"Amelia?" 

Amelia's head snapped towards Elizabeta. 

Elizabeta cocked an eyebrow and smirked. "You up to doing some mischief?" 

Amelia found herself grinning. "What do you have in mind?"

"You've got to be out of your goddamned mind!" Mona exclaimed as she entered the Hufflepuff common room.

Amelia laughed, Elizabeta quickly following pursuit.

Mona pouted. "What?"

Elizabeta stuck out her tongue. "We've never heard you curse!"

“Fuck you," Mona mumbled rebelliously, face red and plops herself down next to Elizabeta on the couch. Amelia shifts in the loveseat, splaying her legs on the arms of the loveseat.

"Anyway, what are you thinking? Planning a prank? This early on? Do you want to get expelled?" Mona lectured sternly.

Amelia ignoring Mona's rambling, and focused on Elizabeta. "So, what are you thinking?"

Elizabeta smirked again. "We sneak into the Gryffindor common room, and toilet paper it!"

"That's too lame," Amelia dismisses the idea, before her eyes began to twinkle with an almost evil glint. "I have a better idea."

* * *

"WHO THE FUCK'S IDEA WAS THIS?!"

Of course, a pissed Lovina would be the result of the prank.

They had sprayed a squiggle spray all over her face. 

It looked like the e-z cheese thing but different colors. 

"EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING TO ME, YOU FUCKING BITCH?"

Amelia's eyes snapped back to Lovina. "Um, yeah?" she weakly trailed off, fighting to keep the grin off her face. Elizabeth let out a weird snort, face contorted while trying not to laugh before Mona dragged herself and Elizabeta away from Lovina's rage. Traitors.

Lovina's face and hair had green and pink strands strewn all across, some blowing in the breeze as Lovina exhaled sharply.

"HOW FUCKING DARE YOU DO THAT TO MY FACE, YOU BASTARDS! I'LL MURDER-"

Amelia takes the time to zone out slightly and stares at the Gryffindor common room in an almost daze. 

“Lovina, calm the, like, fuck down.” 

This could’ve been her, she could’ve been here.

"HOW DARE YOU, YOU FUC-"

She could’ve been a Gryffindor, and her sister could’ve hung out with her with ease. 

"No, like seriously."

"OH MY FUCKING- I'm going to go and wash this shit out of my hair. YOU BETTER BE FUCKING GONE, YA HEAR ME." Lovina stomps away, and Amelia lets out a sigh of relief.

"Thank god." Amelia glanced at the other girl/boy who sassily flipped their shoulder-length blonde hair over their shoulder. (They also have green eyes... Seriously, why do so many people have such exotic eye colors? Exotic compared to brown, at least.)

"I'm like, Feliks. Like, nice to meet you. Don't like, get Lovina mad again cause she'll like, kick your ass next time."

Amelia squinted at Feliks. "Um, this sounds kinda awkward but are you-"

"Male. But like, I'm female spiritually. Like, do you know what I mean?"

“S-Sure,” Amelia blustered. 

"Anyways, like, what's your name?"

"Oh shit, sorry. Amelia. Um, Amelia Jones.” She tidied her robes, frowning slightly at the Hufflepuff trim and badge.

“Right,” Feliks nodded, “like cool, Amelia. It was nice like, talking to you-"

"AMELIA, YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE GRYFFINDOR'S COMMON ROOM OR I'M GOING TO FUCKING MURDER YOU-"

"Well, like, bye."

"Sorry, bye!" Amelia then ran as fast as she could from the rage of Lovina.


	6. The Return of The Ivan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even going to repeat it again.

When Amelia sees Ivan the next morning in Potions class, she stares at him for an entire minute, her mouth moving up and down.

“I-I thought,” Amelia squinted. “It’s good you’re not dead,” she lamely said.

Ivan rolled his eyes. "It only knocked me out, but since that mandrake was maturing quicker than others, it must've been able to inflict pain before death." His purple eyes dart at Amelia before they flicker down to the floor. Pink dusts his usually-pale cheeks. "Luckily..."

"What?"

Wait... Was he trying to say thanks?

Oh god, she was going to milk this-

Wait. Again... If this was Maddy telling Amelia that Amelia had become a better person because Maddy left, would Amelia really want Maddy to... Rub it in her face? 

(Because really, Amelia could be kinda annoying and maybe this was kinda good for her? Didn't mean she'd have to like it.)

Did that make sense?

The two of them open their mouths at the same time, but Amelia beats him to the punch somewhat reluctantly..

"It's fine," she blurts out.

Ivan stares at her, jaw dropped and eyes wide.

Both of them redden and then look away.

"I... _**spasibo**_."

He scurries away, over to his seat, before Amelia can ask what the hell spazz-ebo? means. Did he just call her spastic? 

Elizabeta and Mona enter a few moments later, as they had been distracted by some odd means, and Elizabeta bursts into giggles when she sees Amelia.

"What?" she obliviously questions, eyes narrowing.

"Your face...!" Elizabeta wheezes.

Mona flashes a small, mischievous smile at Amelia. "You're bright pink."

"Oh," Amelia blushed. Her eyes, always traitorous, glance over to Ivan, who sat a few rows in front of her.

Mona's eyes widened. "You don't mean to say..."

Amelia reddened to the max (like a tomato, a certain Italian girl would say). "No!" she screeches loudly.

Loud enough for everyone with a few rows range to turn around and give her a look.

Including Ivan.

Who stares at her for a while (which kinda makes her stomach feel odd), and then turns back.

Elizabeta, who has luckily (or unluckily) stopped laughing, squints at Amelia. "Hmmm..."

Luckily, the professor has finally rolled in (not literally since it's boring old Iggy).

"Good morning, class."

"Good morning," the class answers back in a mostly bored tone.

However, there are a few people who are excited.

Mainly Mona. But Amelia’s sure that if Madeleine was a first year, she would be bouncing up and down in her seat.

Just thinking about her makes her stomach roll about uncomfortably.

Madeleine, not Mona.

Mona and Maddy would be good friends, huh? 

Amelia let out a small, bitter sigh. 

Of course they would. 

Why would intelligent, kind Maddy want to hang out with her stupid, annoying one year younger sister Amelia? 

"Jones!" 

"Sorry!" She blurted out anxiously, head snapping towards Iggy's direction.

"Anyway, as I was saying, the root of..." 

Amelia frowned, tuning Iggy's British voice out again. 

Thinking about friends, Amelia's mind flickered back to Sakura, Maddy's Japanese friend. The one who invited her and Amelia's friends to hang out tomorrow. Amelia had asked her friends and they all said they would come too, 

She was way too nice, Amelia decided. Too likable as well.

Of course Maddy would prefer her over Amelia. 

Hell, Amelia preferred Sakura over herself!

Amelia let out another distressed sigh, before squeezing her eyes shut for a moment. 

"Jones! I do not tolerate daydreaming!" an annoyed sounding Iggy commended her.

Amelia's classmates all snickered at her but she squashed down the petty desire to verbally eviscerate them. 

“Oh, right, my deepest apologies,” Amelia absentmindedly said. “Really.”

Iggy nearly growled, and pinched his nose. "If you are going to be as insufferable as your father, please leave!" 

"Sorry?" Amelia questioned, unsure of whether she could go or not. Her father wasn’t insufferable at all, but she was very annoying so...

"Please do head to the headmaster's office. It's the one that has the ridiculous plaque that says Enter at the 

Risk of Feeling Inferior to this Awesomeness Before the Lowly You. As I stated before, ridiculous." 

Amelia nodded, although she felt her cheeks warm when she noticed a certain Russian boy analyzing her.

God, what were these odd feelings stirring in her? Puberty, she decided. Had to be.

"Sure, okay," Amelia mustered out before snatching her things and sprinting out the door.

Okay, so she was apparently looking for a ridiculous plaque that mentioned Awesome. 

Amelia could work with that. 

"Cool, so let's scout each floor!" Amelia grinned. Today had been really boring if you didn't count her encounter with Ivan. 

Ooh, maybe she had worked her way into his heart! 

As a friend! 

Right. Amelia chuckled nervously and began to go on the lookout.   
-

Ah, there it was! The golden plaque! 

Oddly enough, it literally says Enter at the Risk of Feeling Inferior to this Awesomeness Before the Lowly You.

Huh. Amelia had thought Iggy had been joking.

And to think Iggy had actually memorized it. Amelia snorted. What a nerd. 

Amelia lost her prior mirth when she remembered she might get into some trouble. 

Damn. She smacked her forehead. Already getting into trouble? Shame. 

Amelia rapped on the door with her knuckles. Sadly, there was no badass quickly-spoken words with a sick beat and only knocks. 

A muffled voice called out in a thick German-like-yet-not-completely-the-same-accent, "Vat! Come in!" 

Amelia eyed the door. She could make a run for it. 

The door swung open, and she was suddenly face to face with an albino man.

Or not.

He grumpily cocked an eyebrow. "Vat are you doing here?" 

"Iggy- I mean, Professor," Amelia had to think for a moment, "Kirkland sent me down here." 

"Oh, Arthur?" (Although he pronounced Arthur as Artvur, Amelia decided not to press it.) The headmaster eased up, and grinned at her. "Come in, come in." He spared her one last glance before he headed inside. 

Amelia slowly nodded before stepping inside the headmaster's room and closing the door behind her. 

It was a nice room. Golden yellow walls and a bountiful sky blue ceiling. A polished mahogany desk at the near end of the room. A sofa and a comfy looking chair in front of it. There was a spiral staircase that led up to another floor, a balcony that had a locked chest on the side. 

Snapping back to attention, Amelia noticed headmaster was sitting behind his desk. On a chair. Because why would he sit on the floor when he has a chair? 

Amelia, after a moment, decided to sit down in the chair in front of the desk. 

"You know, if the old headmaster caught you, you'd be toast. Germania vas... very harsh. But since it's little old awesome me, I'll let it slide." 

"Amelia Jones." 

"Jones?" He smirked. "I know him. We're good friends. Something tells me you're going to get into some mischief while you're here at Hogwarts." 

"Not to bother, but what's your name? Just so I have something to refer you by instead of the Headmaster." 

"I am the great, awesome Gilbert!" Gilbert puffed out his chest proudly. 

"Oh- OH MY GOSH!" Amelia squealed as she noticed a small yellow bird that flew onto her lap. "He's so cute!" She crooned. 

Gilbert nodded proudly, "Gilbird is the best! Ooh, I have a neat trick! Say Pi, Gilbird!" 

Amelia tilted her head. Pie? Wow, she could really use some pie! 

"3.14159265359!" Gilbird chirped. 

"OH SHIT!" Amelia cursed, eyebrows leaping so far up her face they disappeared into her bangs. 

Gilbert smirked. "I know!"   
-

The two spent the whole day talking. 

When Amelia got back to her dorm, nearly everyone there let out a relieved sigh. (Which was really weird? She hadn’t made that many friends? Maybe they were worried about her dragging the Hufflepuff name through even more dirt?)

Elizabeta smacked Amelia on her arm (which kinda hurt, and would probably leave a damn bruise), and angrily huffed, "We thought you were going to leave!" 

Amelia blinked lamely. "What?" She dumbly asked. "Leave? Where?" 

Mona set aside Elizabeta before she could assault Amelia again. 

"Leave Hogwarts." 

"Why would I do that?" Amelia frowned, looking between the two. 

Mona patiently explained, "Because you were expelled." 

"I was expelled?!" Amelia cried out in shock. “Jesus Christ, you’d think I’d be the first one to know!”

“Apparently not," Elizabeta wilting into herself with relief. “My first friend at Hogwarts,” she mumbled to herself. “Imagine that! Expelled!” 

"Oh, nah, Iggy wouldn't do that to me! Probably. And the headmaster, this guy named Gilbert who has a bird named Gilbird who can recite the numbers of Pi, let me stay all day!" She babbled, beaming. 

"Oh," the two exhaled. 

"Anyway," Mona slyly said, "Ivan was distracted when the class started buzzing and talking about how you would be expelled." 

Amelia, flustered, looked away. Damn it, was this all because she had decided to be fucking nice to him! What happened to the malicious, wicked, burning hatred? 

Or was it because of something else...? 

There was a fine line between hate and...

"Love!" Elizabeta declared melodramatically. 

Amelia jumped, "What?!" She squeaked out, color flooding her face. Dear heavenly door above, she was not old enough for things like love!


	7. How? They’re so young? This is also the opposite of slowburn so?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sexual tension resolved!  
> Friendship tension created.  
> (Subtitle: one type of drama for another)

"What?" Elizabeta asked, eyebrows furrowing together in confusion.

"You said love!" Amelia accused immediately, eyes narrowing. 

“Yeah, as in, I fell in love with the unit on astrology,"  Elizabeta snorted. “That you missed, you know.”

"You couldn't have been thinking of something else, mmmm?" Elizabeta cackled and rolled in her bed. 

Mona's lips twitched as she stifled her laughter. "I think we all know it was a someone else she was thinking of," she let out a small bark of laughter. 

Everyone giggled at her and Amelia felt remarkably like when Madeleine had dismissed her, feeling small and stupid, with her pink face covered by her pillow and all her friends snickering at her. 

The door burst open loudly. "What are you idiots laughing about?" A loud, Italian voice complained.

Elizabeta grinned wickedly, a sharp glint in her eyes, "Amelia has the hugest crush on-"  

Amelia launched her pillow at Elizabeta's face, effectively ending the rest of her sentence.

"Wait, that idiot has a crush on someone?" Lovina asked, surprised. “I did not see that one coming. Especially with the whole sister complex.”

"No! I don't!" Amelia shrieked. "Shut up!" She screamed, her face red with embarrassment and anger. “You don’t know anything about me and my sister!” Blood pounded in her ears, and she felt dizzy as she stood up, glasses slipping off her face as she wobbled precariously.

Amelia ran out of the dorm and out of the common room, searching for a place to hide. 

Things couldn't get any worse. Her friends made fun of her feelings, which she couldn't even stop or turn off and she didn't want those stupid feelings anyway! 

Amelia paled. She had just yelled at her friends. Her first friends since she had arrived at Hogwarts. 

A small sniffle escaped her. 

"Um... Are you okay?" A definitely Russian voice asked warily. 

Amelia turned around and glared at him, hating that tears were welling up in her cloudy eyes. "I hate you! It's all your fault!" She accused furiously. 

"What did I do, again? Would you mind telling me?" Ivan asked, irritation building inside of him. 

She could tell so easily. She read him like a book. Amelia would scream at him and he would stomp away. 

And she would cry. Because her life sucked and her friends hated her and her sister hated her and her mom-

"You! You made my friends think I like you! Like like you! But it's not my fault!" Amelia erupted, seething. 

"Wait, you like me?" Stunned, Ivan stared at her. 

"No! I DON'T. SHUT UP!" She screamed again. That felt good. To just scream at someone. To not have to pretend to be fine. To not always be okay. It was like therapy.

"Oh? Really?" Ivan strode closer to her, until they were centimeters apart. 

Wow. Was it just her or was Ivan's lashes longer than a normal boy's? And his eyes, oh god, his deep purple eyes that just cut you up inside- 

Wait no, what was she doing? She really doesn’t like him, not at all. _Not at all._

And she leaned in, wanting a closer look at him. 

Because she wanted to scream his face off. Yeah, that's why! 

Just as Amelia realized her lips were almost touching his, she started to pull back. 

Only for him to smash his lips against hers. 

Their teeth clanged painfully, and it wasn't much of a good first kiss but it felt right, to have his lips on hers. 

All of her troubles just seemed to melt away until the only constant was Ivan. 

It didn't matter that her friends had made fun of her or that she screamed at them or that she and Ivan were supposed to hate each other. 

Of course, the second they pulled apart wasn't the second she realized what she had done. 

No, her first thought was: Why’d we stop kissing? 

Second thought: Wait, I was kissing him? 

And last but not least: OH MY GOD I KISSED HIM OH MY GOD OH MY FUUUUUUUUU-

"Braginsky, Jones. What are you doing outside of your common room, looking all flushed and out of breath?" Iggy asked in a most professor-like voice. "Don't tell me you were snogging." 

"We were having an argument," Amelia blurted out. Iggy raised an eyebrow. 

"We were whispering because our friends would kill us if we were loud," Ivan added when Iggy didn't seem too impressed. 

"Hmmm. I guess that's a good enough excuse. Very well. I’ll take my leave now, you two may continue snogging,” Iggy loosely mentioned before striding away.

"Smart thinking on your part," Ivan sighed. "I don't think he doesn't know, though." 

"Thanks," Amelia dipped her head. And then paused. "What do you mean?" She asked, frozen. 

"Snogging is basically kissing," Ivan gave her a tight smile. 

"We weren't kissing!" Amelia shrieked in a panic. 

"Our lips touched, I'm pretty sure that was a kiss,  **podsolnechnik** ," he snorted. 

"What did you just call me?" Amelia wondered, squinting at Ivan. "Pod sole neck nick?" 

"How do the Americans say? Don't worry about it," Ivan smirked. 

"Yeah okay, whatever, purple eyes," Amelia darkly warned. 

"Purple eyes?" Ivan laughed. 

"Shut up! It was creative at the time."

"Goodnight," Ivan smiled at her, with a small twinkle of mirth in his eyes. 

Amelia watched as he entered the common room and disappeared from her sight, with a lovesick smile stuck on her face. 

Which she quickly wiped off as soon as she noticed it. 

Because she wasn't in love. 

It was just puberty or something...

Amelia hesitated, licking her lips. 

It tasted of some sort of... Alcohol? 

Oh my god, was he sneaking in alcohol? 

Amelia shook her head. Lipgloss. It had to be alcohol flavored lipgloss. 

She licked her lips again. 

God, she was really in deep.   
-  
The next day, classes were painfully awkward. 

Once the last lesson before lunch ended, Amelia was painfully aware of how Elizabeta and Mona weren't hovering around her. Instead, they stared at her from far away, as if steeling the nerve to talk to her. 

She still felt horrible about yelling at them. They were just taking their right as friends to tease her and there she was, being a bitch, when she didn’t even deserve to have friends.

She sighed in relief when Sakura came up to her. "Amelia-chan," she started. 

"Amelia is fine," Amelia blurted out. Usually, she just let Sakura call her that ever since she had explained it's tradition. But Amelia had looked it up and, "Friends don't need honorifics."

"Are you sure?" Sakura asked cautiously, eyes wide as if she thought Amelia was gifting her some kind of national treasure. 

"Yeah, of course!" Amelia bobbed her head. 

"O-Okay... I was wondering if your friends and I would like to hang out this Saturday since our last outing had to be canceled. 

"Oh yeah," Amelia murmured, flashing back to last Saturday.

_Dark clouds and heavy rain._

_Amelia gloomily stared outside as rain pounded against the window. Today was special and it was ruined. And even worse, the professors had forbidden the houses to go to a house's common room that wasn't their own._

_All because it might leak and cause the corridors to crumble. What shitty reasoning. What shitty corridors, What a shitty plot device._

_"Come on, Amelia! It's not that bad!" Elizabeta tried to cheer Amelia up._

_"Today is the worst," Amelia announced as she got up from the window seat and face planted into her bed._

_She couldn't block the smattering of the water droplets from her ears._

_The freezing (probably) rain smashed against Hogwarts, but the dorm was warm as it could be._

_"This is awful," she declared distortedly. "This is the worst day ever."_

"So that's a yes?" Sakura smiled excitedly. 

"Sorry," Amelia immediately apologized, started out of her flashback. "My friends," if she could even call them that after today, "and I are in a tight spot. If you wouldn't mind, just the two of us could hang on Saturday?" 

Amelia offered, hating the disappointed look on her friend's face. 

Wait.

Did she just call Sakura her friend? 

The same Sakura she had said stole her sister? The same one she had spat venom at during that one lesson?

"Of course, that'd be fine," Sakura dipped her head. 

"Sorry, I know you were really excited to hang out with.... Them," Amelia winced. 

"No, it's okay. I just wanted to meet the people who you think are worthy of your friendship," Sakura nodded. 

Amelia blushed faintly. "Sorry. Maybe once my... Um, we make up then I can introduce you to them."

“Once you're comfortable," Sakura clarified with a bright smile and warm eyes. 

“You’re like the best friend ever,” Amelia gushed, ignoring the resemblance to Madeleine. 

"Anyway, if you're still uncomfortable seeing your- I mean, them, you could sit with me at lunch? Francis-kun and Madeleine-chan will definitely be there." 

"Yeah. Oh my god, that would be great," Amelia let out a sigh of relief. 

"Come on, let's go," Sakura kindly replied. "Francis-kun and Madeleine-chan already left." 

“Okay,” Amelia smiled and followed her, pretending that the growing dread of facing Madeleine wasn’t there at all.


	8. The Chapter the Author Doesn’t Really Like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t really like this chapter. I might edit it tomorrow if I have time.

As Amelia and Sakura walked, Amelia tripped on the dumb, moving staircase.

Falling, falling, _falling-_

For a second, everything was black and all she could feel was blinding pain, focused on her temple.

(Falling, falling, _falling-)_

* * *

She groaned and stood up, wavering slightly. 

" _Amelia!_ "

“Yeah, I’m fine," Amelia waved Sakura off, as she sounded really concerned. She shouldn't be since she was back up on her feet and totally fine. The pain had even receded completely. She felt fruitcake-diddly fine. She took a moment to silently cry over her lost innocence. Who said things like fruitcake-diddly fine? People with  _no souls._

Sakura stared at her for a moment, confused. Amelia chuckled nervously and nodded. “Just took a little fall.”

“Right,” Sakura dismissed it with a small smile.

At the Ravenclaw table, they both sat down next to Madeleine and France-guy. “Madeleine, hey there, good buddy, good pal, good sister,” Amelia chuckled nervously. 

Sakura stared for a moment, confused. Probably because Amelia was sweating bullets and extremely flighty looking like she'd take off if someone poked her wrong. 

“Hello, Amelia,” Franceypants (wow, she was so clever for that one, wow). “Bread?”

“Uh, I’m good,” Amelia declined, feeling her stomach twist at the thought of eating, chuckling nervously. She spared a glance back at the Hufflepuff table, only to see Lovina with Mona and Elizabeta looking over in her direction before whispering to themselves. Maybe they were talking about how she overreacted and that she needed to get off her ass and apologize. 

“No thanks, franceypants,” she said again when he squinted at her. Francis only laughed. 

“Franceypants, huh,” Madeleine finally spoke up with a bright smile and warm eyes.

Amelia discreetly wiped some sweat off her forehead. Amelia chuckled nervously. Wow, she was smiling, wow. 

“So, Amelia, what’s your favourite class?” France- Francis asked. “Your sister here prefers Potions-“

“Oh, yeah, I know,” she blurted out. “She talked about it all the time during the summer. Sorry,” she sank into her seat. Amelia chuckled nervously.

Sakura stared for a moment, before smiling reassuringly.

Francis only laughed while Madeleine blushed slightly. “Amelia,” she reprimanded slightly. Her eyes were warm and her smile was bright.

Wow, everything was normal, wow. 

_“Amelia!”_

What the fuck? She was sorta certain Sakura had not said anything, but that was definitely her voice.

“Um, Sakura?”

Sakura stared for a moment as Amelia chuckled nervously, Francis only laughed, and Madeleine was all warm eyes and bright smiles. 

And Amelia was suddenly struck with the strangest sense of deja vu-

* * *

This was not the Hufflepuff common room. 

“Wow, my head hurts like a bitch,” Amelia muttered, squinting around what she could see. A blue-ish curtain thing separated the bed she was on. Everything was really blurry, as if she was crying instead of just missing her glasses.

Her head throbbed, and she tried to massage her temples with her fingers. She pushed herself to sit up, even as the room spinned and the curtains around her swam. What were they? Sea lions at an amphitheater, she snarked to herself in order to try and relieve the pain that came from sitting up.

Amelia barely swallowed down the acid bile in her mouth at doing so, regretting her decision already.

What had happened? She was with Madeleine and Francis and Sakura at lunch, although she swore that Sakura and her were walking to their next class the second before.

She tried to focus on the curtains, she’d seen them before-

“Amelia?” Amelia blinked, and the next thing she knew, the curtains were drawn back all the way.

“Miss...” Amelia trailed off, realizing with abject horror that she couldn’t quite recall her name. Two faces flashed in her mind as well as a large red bow and a loaf of particularly good bread. “Bonnefoy,” she said.

“I told you to call me Marianne,” Miss Bonnefoy reminded her. 

“Right, Marianne,” Amelia fiddled with her fingers, ignoring her pulsing head and twisting stomach, as Madame Bonnefoy began to speak.

“Now that you’re awake, I can safely override your concussion and you’ll be back to new,” Madame Bonnefoy said before chanting something under the breath, “Emendo collisio cerebrum,” or something like that.

This was the infirmary room. 

Amelia slumped slightly, relieved. “Thanks.”

Marianne smiled. “Right. Just don’t do it again. You put your friends through an awful scare.”

Amelia paused. “Sorry, could you say that again?” Friends? Sakura was a tentative yes, Mona, Elizabeta, and Lovina and her were going through a tough spot, she'd only talked to Francis once so he probably didn't count, even if they sorta connected through the power of manic laughter. And Madeleine... She probably didn't even care about her dud of a sister.

Marianne rolled her eyes but complied. “You put your friends through an awful scare,” she repeated. After a moment, she added, for clarification when Amelia still didn't seem convinced, “You know, Lovina, Francis and Mona, Sakura, Ivan," were they friends? they'd "snogged", "Elizabeta and your sister.”

“My sister?” Amelia gaped, conveniently ignoring everyone else who came before. She was so sure she was mad at her but she came! Amelia felt fuzzy, warm and untouchable and like the best thing on earth. 

“Yes,” Marianne chuckled. “If you want, I can call her from her class?”

“Yeah,” Amelia nodded, hopefully her sister would be fine with that. 

“It’s about to end soon so I’m sure the Iggy will allow it, especially since they have potions,” Marianne mentioned offhandedly as a silvery animal (of sorts) burst from the tip of her wand.

Amelia squinted, quickly grabbing her glasses and shoving them on her face, but it was already gone. She frowned, now her glasses had a smudge on them and she had no idea what that was.

“Wait, you know Artie?” Amelia blurted out before feeling moronic. They were both faculty on the teaching staff, they had to know each other!

“Your father and your- Professor and I were great friends back in the day...” Marianne smiled, looking off into the distance at some untouchable memory. 

Amelia bit her lip. “Back in the day?” she hesitantly probed.

“Yes,” Marianne’s cheeks flushed, eyes steely, as she gave Amelia a tight lipped smile. “Back in the day.”

“Wait, who else did you say?” Amelia asked, putting aside her guilt that Elizabeta, Mona, and Lovina had come to see her even when they were fighting. For such a stupid reason too. She’d really have to apologize the next time she saw them. 

“Ivan, the boy you brought into the infirmary a while ago,” Marianne casually mentioned, raising an eyebrow at Amelia’s immediately red cheeks. 

Jesus Christ, she’d snogged him! Ugh, now that she thought of him, she couldn’t stop.

She’d snogged someone!  Amelia snogged someone! And she'd liked it...

“Right,” she chuckled nervously before frowning at the action, at the strange, forbearing feeling that stirred inside her at doing so. She resolved to only chuckle nervously if the occasion absolutely needed it.

"Amelia!" 

Her heart seemed to catch in her throat, and she felt dizzy, in a way. "Maddy, you came!" Amelia gushed, grinning.

"Yeah," Maddy coughed, glancing away. Amelia curled into herself a little. Right. She was still in Hufflepuff, still shameful.

"I'll give you two some space," Marianne smiled and left the infirmary's main room and disappeared through a door off to the side.

Maddy closed the curtain so it was only Amelia and her. "Hey, Amelia," she murmured with eyes that were oddly red rimmed. 

"Maddy," Amelia bit her lip, taking off the blanket and moving so that she was sitting on the bed but with her legs hanging off. "Are you.. okay?"

"I'm supposed to be the older sister, I should be asking you that," Maddy raked her fingers through her loose hair, scowling all the while.

Amelia swallowed down the lump in her throat. "It's okay, it doesn't really matter," she gritted her teeth. 

"No, it's just, Sakura was right, I shouldn't care what the older years-"

"Wait, Sakura spoke about me?" Amelia asked, surprised yet glad her friend would do so.

Maddy nodded and Amelia smiled a little. "She's great, isn't she!" Amelia blustered, swinging her feet. 

Maddy narrowed her eyes, looking at Amelia briefly before looking away as she none too gently shoved her hands in her pockets. "Right," Maddy agreed, although something was a little off in the way she said it.

"You looked so pale laying on the bed, it just reminded me of," here, Amelia saw how Maddy visibly swallowed, "before."

"Oh," Amelia said, staring at Maddy as she paced back and forth. "Sorry," she offered her lame apology, as it was empty.

Maddy let out a small puff of air with a shaky smile that wavered at the edges before licking her lips. "You don't... hate me, right?"

"What?!" Amelia scrunched her face together. "Why would I?"

"Because I took Mom's last name and I know you two weren't-" Maddy looked at Amelia, wringing her hands together like a dishtowel.

Amelia cleared her throat. "It's fine, you two had... Something we didn't," she spat out, otherwise she wouldn't be able to say, glaring at the ceiling as if it was the source of all her woes. "You had something..."

Maddy pursed her lips, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. "I don't know, when I look back, it seems so different than it had felt like at the moment," Maddy struggled to explain, reaching out a hand before pulling the offending limb back after a moment's hesitation. 

"It's okay," Amelia lied, and it was easier this time for it to pass her lips, easier to choke past the bitter, acrid taste of it.

"I just-"

"Amelia!" 

Amelia frowned, people kept interrupting her conversations before they got anywhere. "Five minutes," she called back, tapping her fingers against her thigh as she sucked in her lips. She knew doing the latter made her look disgusting, like a pig, she knew that too well, but she couldn't bother with what dead people thought of her.

"But Mona-" Elizabeta argued, voice echoing in the infirmary room.

"Idiot, that's her-" Lovina whispered something she couldn't hear but she bet it was referring to Maddy.

Maddy shifted on her feet, eyes darting everywhere except Amelia. "Maybe later," she said skittishly. 

Right. Didn't she say something about caring what the older years thought? "Maybe later," she repeated, feeling like she'd been transported back to the moment she'd tripped on the stairs, and she was falling, falling,  _falling-_

"Hey."

And Maddy was gone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I took inspiration (?) from this really great fan fiction for that weird sequence, that I would reference here but I wouldn’t want to bother them with this fic that no one is reading. It was kind of fun playing around but not sticking to what I always do kind of makes me nervous.


	9. might as well just dick around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of procrastinated posting this, because I had half a chapter when I uploaded the previous chapter but I didn't really know how to "finish it off", I guess.   
> Anyway, not much happens in this chapter but it gives you insight into Amelia's "habits", of sorts, that weren't really written about. I might include small happenings of the "habits" in a later chapter.   
> Actually, this chapter sets the scene for the next chapter which I have a vague idea of. Also, Ivan will either return in the next chapter or the one after that. I'm just going with the flow.   
> Also, I like the italic parts in between parenthesis. Is that just me? Probably.  
> -  
> I'd love to start writing the next chapter immediately but it's 4:30-ish where I'm at so I'm going to head to bed.  
> Also, sorry for the rant, I'm just a bit exhausted.

“Lovina,” Amelia acknowledged. It felt a little awkward to not immediately apologize and put this whole, thing, at ease, but she felt this morbid curiosity gnawing at her. 

What if Lovina only came to break the news that neither she nor Mona and Elizabeta wanted to see her ever again? (Amelia couldn’t apologize right now or else that’d be awfully horrible for them, since they’d look like right pricks for rejecting her like they would.)

What would Amelia do then? Maddy was still afraid of being seen with her, her only friends weren’t so steady and the foundation could crumble before her eyes, and whatever this dumb fling she had with Ivan-

“Hey, idiot, you’re spacing out again.” Lovina looked at her for expectantly. 

Amelia stiffened for a moment, before remembering where and when she was. “Sorry,” Amelia wished she could open up a window or something. Anything to relieve the tension in the air.

For a second, she imagined herself fanning herself and opening a window, all the while, wiggling her eyebrows playfully, asking if it was hot or if it was just her while striking a "sexy" pose. 

Then, Amelia remembered this crappy, _serious_  situation.

“Right,” Lovina frowned and narrowed her eyes, seeming like she’d wanted Amelia to say something else. 

Amelia cleared her throat. Where were her previous snarks? What would she say, sea lions are so adorable? Amelia wracked her brain, but unfortunately, it seemed like her brain was off on vacation. What a right prick.

Oh god, was she becoming British? _Who said someone/something was a right prick?_

Nah, no way, she was too **A m e r i c a n** for that kind of crap.

Shit, was she spacing out again? She really shouldn’t be since she didn’t have a concussion. Maybe her brain was simulating pseudo symptoms? Or maybe she just had the attention span of a... Goldfish or something.

“Do you like goldfish?” Amelia asked quickly before she could regret it. 

Oh, god, she already started to regret it. Amelia almost chuckled nervously, but there was a strange, ominous feeling warning her not to. (Was it just her or was she paranoid? Amelia almost gave a pathetic giggle at how the joke paled, a mockery, in comparison to her earlier, similar- still shitty- joke predecessor.)

“What the fuck is a gold fish?” Lovina replied after a beat of hesitation, although her face clearly expressed her confusion as her eyebrows furrowed together like some kind of caterpillars and-

Amelia cut herself off before she spaced out again.

“Never mind, then.” Amelia wanted to screech like a velociraptor as that hadn’t done anything, hadn’t moved forward their conversation at all. Now she looked like she was incredibly dim as well, she mourned to herself. 

“Right,” Lovina echoed her previous statement from a few minutes ago, still looking at her with the exact same expression, confused and a little annoyed.

What did she want from her? Amelia bit back an irritated scowl that would be uncharacteristic of her.

Lovina's eyes narrowed (which was all they were goddamn doing recently).

“Hey, are you guys done yet? Lovina?” 

“ _Elizabeta-_ _”_

“Elizabeta and Mona are still here?” Amelia asked, unsure of why they would be. “What does she mean by done yet?”

“She means nothing,” Lovina hissed at her with red flaring in her cheeks. “Fucking idiot,” she added after a moment, spitting venom at Amelia like some kind of asshole rattlesnake.

“Okay,” Amelia put her hands up and slowly backed away. She didn’t get what she’d done, but she doubted that if she asked, Lovina would politely answer back. 

Asshole rattlesnake, huh. That was kinda clever.

“Come on, Lovina, you said you’d only take 10 minutes!” Elizabeta shouted through the door again. 

Amelia studied the floor intensely. That tile was slightly loose while the one near her feet was almost moldy. Probably because it was near the bed and overlooked, maybe. Or something. 

Had it really been 10 minutes? And would it be 10 minutes, including some of Maddy's time or-?

“Elizabeta, come on,” Mona said, louder than last time, unknowingly interrupting Amelia's train of thought. “Perhaps five more minutes.” Amelia could hear their footsteps leaving now, Mona’s softer than Elizabeta’s, until they receded completely. 

They spent a few moments just staring at each other, both with growing frustration as they both didn't know what the other wanted.

“No, it’s fine,” Lovina answered (to no one) and stalked out, each step rattling the floor slightly. She cast Amelia a look she couldn’t quite decipher (but there was a lot of pain, so much that Amelia almost reached out before remembering Lovina was several feet away and almost gone) before slipping through the doors after a moment of hesitation.

The door almost closed quietly before, “Lovina-” Amelia hesitated before trying, remembering the pain in her eyes, but the doors then slammed loudly. 

“Wow,” Amelia whistled to herself. “The hero’s daughter who’s a hero done goofed up,” Amelia tried to laugh, really did, but it came out sad and pathetic, and some sort of cross between a grimace and a smile coming on her face after that. 

“I bet 10 dollars that I’m going to have a confrontation with her in which she’ll scream at me for being such a shitbag,” Amelia muttered with a twisted smile that didn’t come out quite right. Great. Amelia’d fucked everything up. Everything was normal, then.

Amelia looked around the infirmary for Marianne but she hadn’t seemed to have returned. Amelia spotted a notepad with a pen (which was great, since quills and parchment sucked for casual use) and quickly wrote a note that she was leaving to go to lunch and the rest of her classes. Amelia shrugged and went to leave. 

Turning back for one last look, she wondered why her life had to be a such a shitty shitshow.

And even though her feet were firmly planted in the ground, she felt like she was falling, falling, _falling-_

Amelia wished this was a crappy dream and she could just wake up. 

She raked her fingers over her arms, hard enough to leave red marks but not enough to draw blood. It hurt, she supposed, but nothing she couldn’t handle. There was only pain for a few seconds before it faded into something tingly and nicer. (Amelia ignored the voice that snottily scoffed that her problems weren't even that bad, because that wasn't really the problem here, was it-) 

Amelia left the infirmary room, but she still felt hollow (like some kind of shitty jack o' lantern with the pulp spilling out and no face and no candle and no one who fucking cared-).

* * *

Classes passed by uneventfully. Mona, Elizabeta, and Lovina didn’t look at her anymore. Instead, if she occasionally strained her ears, she could hear Lovina cursing under her breath about how, they were both idiots, while Mona tried to provide advice and Elizabeta tried to do the verbal equivalent of patting her on the shoulder with emotional support. 

At least, that’s what it sounded like. Amelia couldn’t really tell.

Should she feel happy or sad? Amelia finally got a reason for her sister’s evasion for her, but it wasn’t like she would just stop avoiding her. Amelia’s friends were rocky but managing without her. 

Amelia let herself drown in self pity for a moment further, before slowly repressing the rest of it. 

The hero always seemed happy, and she had to as well. Had to live up to her father’s name, couldn’t disrespect his name.

_(Amelia sometimes thought of Iggy, about how much he had lit up when she had confirmed his suspicions about whose offspring she was. How if she acted like her father in class, he would sometimes get this half-longing, half-fond look in his eyes. Amelia sometimes lit up as well when she thought of the Look, until she remembered that it was really, actually for her father._

_Amelia sometimes thought of Marianne too, less often, but still sometimes. Sometimes, she’d stop by the Infirmary after classes ended just to say hi, very, very quickly. Usually, that was all she had time for- homework and self-studying took time; it could possibly impress the Ravenclaw Maddy, fat chance of that._

_But, Amelia tried to shove as much energy and enthusiasm as she could into that simple greeting. It seemed to have a 100% success rate. Amelia could see it, even when Marianne didn’t look and was too busy, if she lingered, she could see how Marianne attacked her duties with newly restored visor._

_However, when it was a slow day, Marianne would smile wide as she could, her eyes would crinkle, and she looked, similar to Iggy, that for a moment, she was revisiting the glory days. Her eyes would light up, again, just like Artie, with the Look- like Amelia was singlehandedly saving the planet from destruction with thinly veiled awe. And yet, just like Iggy but perhaps even more, she’d look so fond of Amelia sometimes, like Marianne could just ruffle her hair and call her sport.)_

So she laughed and joked around, was friendly with her classmates. Amelia didn’t try to be popular, she knew some facets of her personality leaked in to her facade, knew she paled in imitation of the original  ~~but it felt like she was the only thing of the Hero that was left, she had to try~~.

_(Amelia sometimes thought of Iggy, about how when she had an off day, she would sometimes fade away in the background. It was hard to always be energetic, she moaned to herself on those days, barely even wanting to get out of bed._

_But Amelia saw it on those days, how something in Iggy seemed a little broken, like he’d lost something precious. The words echoed in her head until she remembered using the simile while being rejected by her sister. Maybe Alfred was to Arthur like Maddy was to Amelia._

_The first time she’d come to that conclusion, she’d immediately felt guilty. Here Amelia was, pitying herself when someone had it way worse than her- when she could do something to fix it, help him like no one had ever helped her._

_She hadn’t had less Off Days since that awful realization, but she definitely pretended as if she had.)_

If Amelia averted her eyes when she saw her old friends and her sister, well, it wasn’t anyone’s business except hers.


	10. bloop the crap chap(ter)

Amelia's up and awake with a breath that shudders as she exhales. 

Everyone else is awake in her dorm, everyone getting ready to leave for breakfast too, although they’ll be early if they do leave right at this moment.

She stares at the canopy of her bed for another quick second before she’s up and moving with the bed creaking slightly. 

Amelia goes towards the bathroom, slipping herself in while closing the door shut softly. 

Something stirs inside her. She can't exactly remember the details of her ~~nightmare~~  dream, they're already starting to fade. But Amelia remembers everyone around her dying, Maddy and her mother and her father and her (former?) friends, the agonized look in their eyes before they slipped away.

She knows it’s just a dream, and obviously, the hero can handle just dreams but still.

Amelia flashes back to the infirmary, raking her nails over her arms-

Maybe it's a stroke of genius, but she tries it again. 

(Amelia feels frustrated of the dream, of Maddy, of her father, of her mother, of her-)

And there’s a spark of something, she doesn’t know- and god, what a fucking reminder of Ivan, how he sparked something inside her, and now there's something else sparking something in her but for a totally different and wrong reason- and it's addicting and she's suddenly doing it again and again until her skin is red and looks like if she even did it once more, it'd bleed. 

It hurts ~~a lot, a whole fucking lot, burns like a distant fire raging under her skin~~  a little but for a second or two, she savors it with unbridled relish as that’s all she can feel.

She doesn't crash down, necessarily, but she tumbles down.

She can hear the blood rush in her ears, first, reminding herself she’s still in the bathroom. 

Then it’s the footsteps outside, as her roommates start to leave for breakfast, receding and fading away until she’s the only one left in the entirety of their dorm.

And then she feels the cold sink as it presses against an expanse of skin on her arms, too cold compared to the blood in the limbs so she pulls away.

She tugs her robes further down so they cover her arms. It’s not like it’d matter, like anyone’d care, but she’s wouldn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea. 

Amelia stared at her reflection in the mirror, thinking of how pathetic she looks, before exiting the bathroom and going to class. Her dorm mates are all gone now, gone to breakfast but she remains and for a second, she wonders what it’d be like to take that fucking bed sheet and just- 

Amelia reminds herself she has a family, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. 

She walks to class slowly, and when she gets there, it's just in the nick of time; as the first student, she trickles into the convenient seat in the back. The seats around her fill up and Mona and Elizabeta emerge last, looking a little out of breath as they panted and took unfortunate seats in the front. 

Maybe they were looking for her, Amelia hopefully thought, and maybe she could reconnect with them. 

Amelia bit her lip nervously but decided that she would talk to them later that day as it was Friday (and she would hang out with Sakura on Saturday so she couldn't talk to them then).

Amelia resolved that she would speak to them today. 

* * *

She didn't. 

It was Saturday and Amelia hadn't talked to them yet. In fact, she'd rushed out of the dorms as soon as she woke up, thanking her lucky stars (who even says that?) that everyone else in her dorm were sleeping. And that she hadn't had another ~~dream nightmare~~  nightly visit.

Oh god, that made it sound really weird. 

It was too early for this crap. 

Amelia ignored how she almost felt guilty as she catched a glance of Mona and Elizabeta on her way out, and rushed to the library. 

The sun had seemingly just risen in the sky and it basked her in warm, comfortable rays. 

Even the slight tingling in her arms as the robes brushed against them couldn’t dissuade her from feeling that-

Today would be a good day.

* * *

It wasn't.

Amelia'd gotten to the library, only to see Sakura not immediately there. 

Amelia stared blankly into nothing for a moment, before forcing a light chuckle under her breath. 

She approached the librarian, vaguely registering her as familiar. 

Very familiar and yet not quite placeable.

"Excuse me, was anyone else here today?" Amelia asked, politely as she could. 

"No, sorry, dear," she glanced up at whatever she was doing (filing papers, maybe? Amelia wasn't too sure what librarians did) and suddenly, it became so obvious to Amelia that she wanted to smack herself. 

The hair! Those eyes! The accent! The face! 

The librarian let out a dry chuckle.

Amelia flushed as she realized she had been gaping and immediately shut her mouth. 

"Sorry, uh-" Amelia began to apologize, only to realize a second later, in stark horror, that she had not gotten the name of the librarian! "Iggy's sister," she finished lamely, unsure of Artie's last name. 

Perk land? Dirk land? Chirp land? God, British people were right pricks. Barmy, the whole lot.

"Alice Kirkland," Alice told Amelia, who privately took a moment to burn the name into her mind (Kirkland, Kirkland, _Kirkland_ ). "Iggy," she cracked a smile at that. "I haven't heard that once since," the smile receded, "Alfred." 

"Um, did you know him?" Amelia asked carefully. She had been too worried about Artie and Marianne becoming sad since they were so close to him (she couldn't handle people in pain because of her). But since Iggy's sister didn't seem to have the Look in her eyes yet, maybe she could tell her some things. Back when her father had life, back when her mother had breathed life into him. 

"Can't tell you too much, I'm afraid," she said in a clipped tone. "Hadn't known him too well." 

"Please," Amelia blurted out with more desperation than she thought she had. 

Abruptly, many things became much clearer to her. 

The lack of owls asking how she was settling in, what house she'd gotten, how she was faring. 

Maybe it was the lack of chocolate frogs sent or how Maddy and her had went to Diagon Alley without him (even if Maddy was distant even then) or maybe it was how he hadn’t seen them off to the station or how-

Amelia could go on for a while, she realized. 

She cleared her throat quietly, finding it a little disturbing how shortly that realization took to make and yet, how she, once again, felt so empty, and like she was falling, falling,  _falling_ -

"Amelia?" Alice asked, concern dripping off her voice, dripping everywhere, all over the place. Like walking into a house sopping wet, ruining everything-

"Never mind, I don't care anymore," Amelia babbled. "Thank you, Miss, um, Kirkland, I really must be going. To look at the books." 

"Amelia, poppet," the endearment made Amelia pause in the rush to get away, "I could..." Alice cleared her throat quite loudly. "Help you find books, if you'd like," Alice finished, although Amelia was pretty sure that wasn't how she had thought she would finish the sentence when she'd begun it. 

“Of course,” Amelia replied impassively, hiding her disappointment, thinking of what Alice would’ve said otherwise.

Amelia went to hide behind some of the bookshelves, although she changed her mind after a couple of minutes of doing so since it became boring, and looked at the spines of the books. 

She wondered why there were so many stories about a hero who lived happily ever after. 

Amelia wondered why there couldn't be more stories like those in real life. 

* * *

"I think you should tell them that you want to make amends," Sakura told Amelia, after she'd asked the other girl for advice. 

Amelia stared for a moment before bursting into a (more easy, still not natural) smile, and beginning to leave.

Her arms itched as they brushed against the table.

"Great talk, Sakura, but I gotta go-"  Amelia made a 'what can you do' gesture.

"Amelia, sit down." 

The no nonsense tone of her voice made Amelia halt.

"What?"

Sakura looked at her for another moment, all business. 

"Okay," she said, dragging the 'o'. Amelia fiddled with her fingers. 

"Do you want the truth, Amelia?" Sakura began, sounding blunter than she would've had she been speaking with Maddy. "I think you're afraid your friends are mad at you. I think they're afraid you're mad at them." 

"What?" 

Sakura stood up from where she’d previously been sitting and began to leave, only stopping to call out (respectfully, of course, this was still Sakura), “Think about it.” 

* * *

So she thought about it. And she'd decided she would talk to them today, after classes ended. 

It was so definite she'd _resolved_ it,  ~~like it went so well last time just because she _resolved_ it~~.

* * *

Turns out Amelia couldn't find any of them (not Lovina, Mona, or Elizabeta).

She ended up wandering through some of the school corridors, unsure of what to do now. She'd done the homework she'd received in the morning classes during lunch, and had quickly finished the rest after classes ended in half an hour since she hadn't had that much. 

"Amelia," a familiar voice called out. 

Wow, Amelia hadn't thought of him in a long while. Purple eyes, huh. She silenced a small laugh that almost came out. 

"Roderich, right?" Amelia asked. Fortunately, seeing as Elizabeta had some complicated thing going on with him, the name had been burned into her brain so she wouldn't have the whole fiasco with Alice repeat again.  "What is it?" 

"Would you mind if, for the potions, I-?" Roderich asked, in a quieter voice, although he stopped after a moment.

Oh, Amelia thought and took the hint and lowered hers as well. "Yeah, what is it? 

"It's just the prep part," he confessed even more quietly after a beat, as if he was ashamed of it. "I can't mince the ingredients correctly. I don't usually cook." He added the last sentence like an afterthought to explain. 

"Oh, I'm sure if you went down to the kitchens-" Amelia paused and wondered how she knew this, before remembering yes, Marianne had let her view a memory in a pensieve, of her and Iggy and Amelia's father going down there, "the house elves would be more than happy to help you with the trick of the trade. I'd go down now, before the dinner rush begins, though. And tickle the pear in the painting." 

"That's extremely helpful, thank you," Roderich didn't question the last part but seemed to hesitate before scampering off towards the direction of the kitchens after she'd pointed the general direction of the area to him.

But before he left, Roderich smiled as he left, eyes sparkling with gratitude. 

And for a moment, Amelia understood why someone could like him.

Of course, she  ~~crashed~~  tumbled back to reality, remembering a separate pair of purple eyes that made her heart skip a beat. 

(Amelia checked the common room for Ivan, but didn’t see him there- in fact, it felt like she usually didn’t- maybe he was usually up chilling in the boy’s dorm.)

She submitted to her fate of wandering the castle, looking for people who likely didn't want to be found.


	11. Blah the other bit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be on vacation for a while so updates will either be slow or nonexistent. Once I get back, updates might not be as quick as they were recently either, so keep both of these facts in mind.  
> I hope to keep writing this story, though. Thank you if you're actually reading this.

It was Monday, and classes had passed by in a blur.

Amelia, once again, after not seeing any of her former friends or Ivan in the common room, resigned herself to exploring more of the castle.

At least it was fun and she got a chance to pretend to be the hero (the more fun way, not the way she had to be during school).

Amelia darted into alcoves, pretending to be a spy, laughing all the while.

It was a little sad that she was alone, but if she repressed her emotions, she could sorta feel happy!

(Isn’t that all she wants?)

It was by coincidence that she’d stumbled onto Maddy, walking towards her yet looking deep in thought. Amelia looked around conspicuously and seeing the halls mostly deserted and the only room someone might be in the bathroom, called out, “Maddy!”

Maddy paused for a millisecond as she passed Amelia, so brief that only Amelia, who’d known her for her whole life, could tell.

But then that briefest of moments passed as quickly as it came, and Amelia stared and stared for what seemed like years and years.

Okay, Amelia thought to herself. The hero isn’t doing so well anymore, huh.

Oh. This was bad, she numbly realized as she assessed her situation when a portrait in her line of vision began scrutinising her. She probably looked crushed.

“I’m fine,” she declared loudly. “The hero is fine, don’t worry,” she said, as if anyone would worry about her,

She heard, rather than felt, her footsteps as she stumbled to the bathroom nearby. It didn’t smell very good but it was a bathroom and no one else was here.

(Amelia almost wanted to laugh at this, that she was thinking of what a bathroom smelled like while she felt too much, felt the fucking walls surrounding her, keeping her prisoner.)

Amelia smiled- or tried to, at least. She was almost entirely sure that it was a most gruesome smile (grimace, really) and made her look like someone had stabbed her and she was trying to keep calm.

Amelia felt like someone had stabbed her. But it was fine, it didn’t hurt that much, she told herself. The hero was fine.

It was really dumb, she knew this. Maddy had pushed her aside over and over, even before they’d arrived to Hogwarts, so it shouldn’t hurt so much, every time.

But this had an ominous sense of finality, like Maddy had made up her mind about evading Amelia.

Before, Amelia had a reason, made up a reason subconsciously- that there were too many people around, or there was someone coming their way.

Here, there was no one.

Here, there was no reason Amelia could lie to herself with.

Here, Amelia felt the walls pushing in on her, felt like an ant burned by the sun through a magnifying glass, felt her heart pumping over and over, louder each time until all she could hear was the thumping of her heart like it was the ant being burned and not her.

“Stupid Maddy. Stupid, stupid, _stupid_ -” Amelia trailed off, unable to tell whether she was calling Maddy or herself stupid now. ~~Probably her.~~

Amelia glared at the floor with so much anger pumping in her (corrupting her veins, rushing all over her, till she was dirty and tainted-).

Tainted was an accurate word, Amelia thought.

Amelia rolled up her sleeves, anxious for what she’d did this morning (maybe it’d help) but found herself looking at skin that had healed but just barely. Disappointed, she rolled them back down slower than she had before.

Spotting a shard of glass glinting nearby ( ~~could be her salvation~~ ), she picked it up with unsteady hands, turning it over before her.

Amelia half-smiled at her luck when she saw it wasn’t grimy, but still went and washed it anyways (she didn’t want to get an infection and have to go to Marianne-).

The Look flashed behind her eyes, and Amelia was sick of it, sick of being a mockery of her father and sick of herself.

She licked her lips anxiously, wondering whether this would even work. Amelia shifted how she held the glass ever so slightly, and-

Blood welled up on her thumb, a beautiful crimson drop.

Amelia put the glass down carefully, and continued to observe it.

“Beautiful,” she said, seeing the blood glisten from the light.

She pressed down on the drop of blood with her left hand’s index finger before removing it after a second.

Blood welled up again.

She took the shard of glass into her again and prepared to-

**Footsteps.**

Amelia dropped the glass, it scratching shallow cuts into her hand as it slipped. Amelia felt her heart beating, trying to escape out of her ribcage, maybe to save the shard-

But Amelia needed it, needed it so badly, more than she’d ever needed anything in her life, what if there wasn’t another chance, what if she-

And it floated back to her outstretched hand, before laying there innocently. (The lights flickered and the mirrors and sinks rattled for a moment while it had been floating back to her hand, but nothing was broken, which was good, since she didn’t want to break school property.)

Swallowing, Amelia ran her hand and the shard of glass under the water for a moment before placing it behind the faucet where no one would see unless they knew to look for it.

Amelia thought back to the infirmary, of her friends, what they’d think of her if they knew.

Once again, Amelia could not snark her way out of the situation. Amelia could try, though, she supposed. Anything to soothe her pounding heart, to calm her body’s trembles. She was determined, if nothing else.

“I’d love to say something precious broke inside of me,” Amelia smiled a small trembling smile, for her own reassurance more than anything, “but there isn’t much left you can break.”

It was true. Amelia felt more hollow than anything. Like a shell of who she was, who she used to be-

Who was she?

Amelia imitated her father, but besides that, what was she?

_Who was she?_

* * *

Amelia came across the answer as the class flew slow, tedious laps around the quidditch field.

Nobody.

Amelia was a failed imitation of her father, more of a mockery than anything.

She almost wanted to retreat into her shell, be more of who she felt.

But Amelia sometimes thought of Iggy and Marianne and she couldn’t do that to them, couldn’t hurt them just because she wanted an easy way out.

(Amelia felt more dead than alive sometimes.)

Amelia wished she could feel something; since that “scene” in the bathroom, she hadn’t felt much of anything. Amelia felt more detached than ever, not bothering to talk to anyone anymore or try to reconnect with friends whose friendships she’d screwed up.

Amelia eyed Ivan in the corner of her eye with an almost longing for simpler times, when she was just a girl and he was just someone she had liked and thought was cute and back when she could feel things.

It really was too bad that things hadn’t worked out.

She didn’t feel ready for a relationship with the whole fiasco with her sister and her ex-friends (she’d told him and he said he’d understood, really had understood- had seen how differently she was acting feeling).

(She hadn’t told him of how empty she felt, though. That was just for Amelia to know.)

Ivan noticed and sent a small smile her way, one that made her start and readjust her handling on her broom.

It wasn’t a spark, couldn’t compare to what she felt before but she felt things were a little more tolerable (not enough, though, not _enough_ ).

Amelia tried for a smile back.

He was nice, she thought to herself.

It really was too bad things hadn’t worked out, Amelia echoed.

* * *

She’d gone to the infirmary after her little stunt in the bathroom. But the nurse had been so busy, with a puking student and another with a fever and another with a broken bone and another-

Amelia tried to call out and say hello, but the nurse hadn’t noticed, flitting around the infirmary.

That felt like a rejection, and it stung, making her feel but not in the way she wanted to.

Amelia’d left, without the nurse checking out her hand where the glass had fallen.

* * *

Amelia didn’t go to the Infirmary after that.

* * *

It was a particularly bad day Amelia was having. Potions had gone terribly since she’d screwed up a potion due to spacing out and Artie had seemed so disconcerted, and Amelia remembered her father was good in potions.

“Sorry, I was thinking about this really good book my father gave me,” Amelia fibbed. She couldn’t stand people being in pain because of her.

But it was okay if it was just Amelia getting hurt-

“Oh,” Iggy smiled easily, relaxing into her lie, letting it comfort him. “Do try to focus on your studies, though,” he added before whisking away.

* * *

“Jones! Can you stay behind for class?”

Amelia shoved the rest of her things into her bag before approaching the professor.

She knew that not seeing her (former) friends stay behind stung a little, but they hadn’t approached her privately since the infirmary incident, always one step away before Amelia snapped at them (she really didn’t mean to, she just felt so fed up with having to act so happy when she felt the absence of it instead). She always regretted it afterwards, feeling a more pronounced sense of loss when she did.

“I was thinking about your previous comment, and I remembered that I haven’t seen you get mail,” Professor Kirkland said.

Amelia nodded in faked understanding, before her mind clicked together an explanation. “My dad gave it to me a long time ago but I recently remembered it and read it again,” Amelia lied again, for the second time in the professor’s class.

“Oh,” the professor relaxed, just like earlier, and became Artie once again. Iggy paused for a moment before asking, “Are you alright with your friends?”

Amelia blinked. That wasn’t expected.

He clearly didn’t think so either, judging by how he was reddening now and shaking his head. “Never mind, it’s clearly too close for a professor- you don’t have to tell me. It’s just I’d want to do so for your fa-”

“Oh,” Amelia blurted out. That really wasn’t expected, she thought to herself.

Amelia hesitated before deciding she owed him a truth for her previous lie, “I don’t know, I don’t think we’re doing so well. I don’t really know.”

He looked surprised for a moment before regaining his bearings. “Sorry, it’s just that your father was so charimastic that everyone liked-”

“Right,” Amelia forced out before he could go on.

“Listen, I’m sorry, professor, but I’ve got some homework to do, and I really wanted to start on that potions essay you assigned."

Amelia then said goodbye and the professor did so as well and she left.

* * *

Amelia didn’t screw up any potions after that.

* * *

_“Hey!” Lovina called out._

Amelia’s mouth wouldn’t move, she couldn’t say anything, but she had to or Lovina would-

_“Never mind,” Lovina said._

Come back, she wanted to say, but she couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything-

_Lovina left._

_Amelia stayed a moment longer._

_And she was falling, falling, falling again; only, this time, into an expanse of darkness. It swallowed her up whole, until she was gone and only the darkness remained._

_She reached out a hand for anyone, anyone to help her up-_

_Two kinds of purple eyes, two kinds of green eyes, two kinds of blue-_

_Blurry words, blurry concepts, passed in her mind, vanishing as quickly as they came._

_Amelia scrambled to keep them but she only snatched brief letters, and already they began to fade until (ot- dy- at- ari- gy- an-) and they didn’t really make sense after that._

_It didn’t stop her from weeping._

_What a picture: the hero, alone, struck by tragedy-_

Collapsing, crumbling, **alone** -

* * *

Amelia acutely felt a drop of sweat rolling down her face uncomfortably, rolling across her forehead and nose before sliding down her neck.

But Amelia went back to sleep and didn’t have any more dreams or anything similar.


	12. Some stuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter names are still depressing.   
> This chapter: Amelia still feels horrible, even if she doesn't know why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I'm actually updating.   
> Anyway, the next chapter is halfway done.

It had been a shitty morning.

Amelia had woken up after a nightmare, a cry for Maddy dying upon her lips as she remembered where she was. Luckily, no one else had been up at dawn to hear her.

It didn’t feel very lucky, though, even though she knew it was.

At breakfast, she couldn’t summon up any of her previous voracious appetite, couldn’t even pretend to be hungry. Amelia ate a few apple slices and a cup of water and that was her breakfast.

Amelia had to work with Roderich during Potions but he kept looking from her to Elizabeta, which apparently had been going on ever since she had broken off contact with Elizabeta, Mona, and Lovina.

But now it was obvious, and he’d even stirred counterclockwise rather than clockwise when they’d done the potion. (Which was really a shock since Amelia thought him a diligent student enough to not mess up a simple direction.)

Amelia had barely been able to save the potion from exploding, which the professor didn’t even notice, so when she handed in the potion at the end of class, he had given a snide remark of it being a shade off.

Unusually, she couldn’t even muster anger at this, not at the professor or her classmate. The only one she felt angry at was herself.

Objectively, Amelia knew it wasn’t her fault it was a shade off. In fact, she wasn’t the one who’d stirred the wrong direction and she’d even saved the potion from certain death.

But Amelia _felt_ like it was her fault- that maybe if she hadn’t hesitated, if she’d noticed her classmate’s recent distraction, maybe if she’d done something differently, more correctly, the potion would be correct.

Luckily, after that disaster, she hadn’t had any other anomalies before lunch. But even one was enough to drag her mood down even further from where it had been earlier.

* * *

It had been a shitty lunch.

Once again, Amelia opted to sit alone at the very end of the Hufflepuff table and she didn’t really eat anything then either.

The water was refreshing, though.

She saw Mona and Elizabeta and Lovina sitting together at the upper part of the Hufflepuff table. Her heart ached for a moment and she wished she could turn back time and stop Lovina from exiting the infirmary and talk to her.

But then Amelia remembered that she could not turn back time, and even if she could, she would probably-

Amelia paused as she realized she didn’t really want anything.

Maybe she would turn back time and stop herself from being born, though.

* * *

It had been a shitty afternoon.

Amelia had to spend for what it seemed like forever on doing her homework in order to ensure she it would be of high quality and at least earn an Exceeds Expectations, if not an Oustanding, but after that, she’d had to spend a few hours doing a Potions study session to make up for her previous blunder.

It probably would be more fun if she had a friend with her.

But then Amelia had remembered her former friends as well as her sister as well as her sister’s friends and remembered that she barely had any friends.

Did Sakura even count? She was the only one Amelia could even tentatively call a friend, although she wasn’t really too sure.

Amelia hadn't talked to anyone recently. She kept snapping at Lovina and Mona and Elizabeta, which she still didn't mean to do.

But she had to act so charismatic, all the time. It was exhausting to pretend to be something, more like _someone_ , you're not.

Amelia was the last thing left of her father, the last echo.

Her father might as well be dead for all it seemed to the world.

He wasn't dead, though, Amelia knew that. He acted like how Amelia felt nowadays.

Her father seemed vacant, his eyes dull and his actions slow. He went through the notions of life with a sort of apathy, if he even went through them at all.

Amelia would never forget the look in his eyes, the one he got whenever he emerged from his shell. His eyes lit up and he ruffled her hair-

He seemed okay at those moments. But slowly, it stopped. Slowly, just like how he acted sometimes, there were less and less moments until she had found him tightening-

"Amelia, we need to talk."

"Lovina," Amelia blinked. Wow, she was not expecting that. Not during her depressing monologue, at least.

"I understand you're going through a hard time right now-" Lovina frowned, looking pained, like she didn't want to say what she was saying.

"Are you mad? That I'm such an asshole?" Amelia blurted out, unable to help herself.

Lovina stared at her, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. "What?"

"Well, sorry, but I don't really need to have another person hate me," Amelia bit out.

There it was. The infamous snap, the snarky (asshole) comment she made that inevitably came whenever they reminded her of how happy (?) she used to be.

"I was going to say, that yes, you are acting like an asshole, idiot, but we're your friends so if you'd stop pushing us away, we might be able to act like it!" Lovina burst out, glaring full strength at Amelia.

Wow, that glare could melt steel. It could outburn the sun! (Was outburning a thing?)

"Wait," Amelia paused. Lovina had just said they were her friends. "But why are you still my friends?"

Lovina raised an eyebrow while puckering her lips. "Idiot, do you think you'd really push us away that easily?"

"Right." Amelia bit her lip, unsure of whether this was the best course of action to take.

She could just end the friendships right here, in a final sort of way.

She would have less people to disappoint when she did slip up and they wouldn't be hurt if she snapped at them-

But a small, selfish part of Amelia didn't want to be the hero anymore. She wanted friends, to study with, to play exploding snap with, to laugh with.

"Okay," Amelia acquiesced. "I'll try, at least," she nodded.

Screw being the hero all the time! Even heroes need breaks, even heroes need friends.

(What if Amelia was the villain? Villains didn't deserve friends. Whatever, she wanted to soak up all the okay-ness she felt right now. She wouldn't let her stupid _thing_ , whatever the hell it was, pervade into every aspect of her life.)

* * *

Amelia definitely had a better time after that. She'd managed to rope Elizabeta and Lovina into her study sessions at the library, even if they only came a few times a week.

Luckily, Mona understood her and attended all of the study sessions with Amelia.

It was definitely good to have a second eye out for any possible mistakes on her essays and another perspective for her recreational studying.

Professor Kirkland had relaxed after that. (She wasn't sure whether it'd be okay to think of him as Iggy just yet. Maybe later.)

After her daily study sessions (which were honestly getting a little tiring for Amelia but hey, she had to keep those grades up), Amelia sometimes relaxed in the common room with Elizabeta and played exploding snap. Other times, they both crashed at the Gryffindor common room (honestly, it was a little surprising that no one cared that two Hufflepuffs- "ickle firsties", even- were there but Amelia supposed that maybe Lovina's cousin-age to the herbology professor excused them. (Or maybe it was Amelia's father, although she didn't really want to think about that, especially when things were going so well recently.)

Or maybe the Gryffindors just didn't care.

Yeah, Amelia was probably overthinking it.

Although Mona never tagged along to their visits to the Gryffindor common room, choosing instead to read a book.

Mona was a bit of a nerd, Amelia thought to herself. It was endearing, and occasionally very useful when she needed to study with someone.

Amelia tried to stop by the infirmary more often. She said hi if Marianne wasn't busy, she'd even forced herself to stay for a few minutes for a light chat every once in a while.

(It would probably come in handy, but all Amelia could care about is that Marianne looked lighter when she left. Like Amelia had lifted a weight off her chest but Marianne hadn't really known or cared about the weight too much until it was gone. It was hard to explain but that was the best way Amelia could phrase it.)

It was harder to try and relax around the potions professor though. Ever since he'd (basically) admitted looking to her as some sort of carbon copy of her father, she'd felt a heavier weight on her shoulders to keep up the facade.

But besides a few small hitches, everything was going swimmingly!

(As long as Amelia pretended that she didn't care about her sister evading her, she could almost pretend that she was sorta okay with her life.)

* * *

Of course, with Amelia's luck, she just had to run into her sister, literally. And she already knew it probably wouldn't go so well and she would probably scratch her arms still they bled and maybe use the shard of glass on her thighs so no one could see and-

"Um, Amelia."

"Uh, yeah?" Amelia reminded herself to stop spacing out, at least around other people.

Madeleine (it was a little painful to call her Maddy after she'd brushed her off and inadvertently caused the whole _thing_ ) nodded. "Do you want to take a walk?" She hesitantly asked, biting her lip while looking away.

"Oh, sure!" Amelia blurted out as quickly as she could before her sister could retract the offer.

They began to walk, Amelia noticing they were heading towards the more forgotten, older grounds where no one ever went to (in fact, Amelia had never noticed them but if she had, she probably would've forgotten them).

"Um, so are you okay?" She asked, looking over at Amelia with what seemed to be concern in her eyes.

"What?" Amelia stared at Maddy, chewing on her lip thoughtfully as her mind whirred to try and find an explanation.

"Look, I know we haven't talked and I'm sorry, but do you think it's easy?" Maddy glared at her now, tears beginning to pool in her eyes as heat did the same in her cheeks.

What, not having to hate yourself (nah, Amelia only had an intense dislike, that totally wasn't qualifying), harming yourself on purpose (it wasn't really harm, only scratches which isn't really harm at all, really, and the whole blood thing was probably just because blood is a pretty red), feeling like what's the point of living (totally untrue, Amelia looked forward to some things like studying sessions and exploding snap, it's just that in the far future, what would be the point of living?)-

Spacing out again.

"Um," Amelia said cautiously. "I'm not really sure what problems you're dealing with so I can't really help you there-"

"You think I don't see my Ravenclaw peers whispering about how dumb I am?" She hissed, glaring at the cloudy sky. "You think I don't notice how an Exceeds Expectations suddenly makes it so I'm the stupidest piece of shit!"

Amelia frowned. Wow. Ravenclaw must be cutthroat. She felt a twinge of sympathy for her sister (who she never could stay mad at for long).

"Well, I feel like it, okay..." Maddy trailed off, the tears finally spilling. "I feel like it sometimes..."

She looked so lost, like Amelia could just reach out a hand and have it pass through her like a ghost and she wouldn't even notice.

"I didn't know you felt that way," Amelia offered. To Amelia, it seemed like Maddy's situation was better than hers. But it wasn't like Maddy could know that.

Plus, it still sounded like a bad situation so Amelia decided to put aside her feelings and help Maddy like the good little sister she was.

"If it helps, I don't think you're the stupidest piece of shit." Maddy gave her a disparaging look. Amelia wracked her brain for rhymes of shit that weren't too outlandish. "Tit?" She said before thinking.

Maddy stared at her for what seemed like the longest time before bursting into laughter.

Anelia wished she could join in too but she still felt drained. She faked a few laughs just to make it seem like she wasn't some kind of emotionless robot (false! Amelia had so many emotions sometimes, although she supposed an overwhelming majority were a little... negative. Although sometimes she felt numb, the other times _surely_ made up for the duller emotions, if they were even there, on those days).

"Amelia... Even if I've had some um..." Maddy trailed off again, like she wasn't sure of the way to put it.

"Bullying, ostracization, harassment, exclusion," Amelia listed off, seeing Maddy's jaw drop at the worse ones. "Um, if it makes you more comfortable, just go with exclusion."

Amelia wasn't really sure which it was as the first three were pretty severe but she did feel that if it drove Maddy to tears and made her feel like the stupidest piece of shit sometimes, it probably deserved a severe name.

Maddy smiled at her, a small, trembling one, that was so, so familiar to her. "Thank you," she softly murmured, looking like Amelia had given the world to her.

And Amelia realized, with a horrifying sense of finality, that she wouldn't be able to bother Maddy with her problems anymore since she already had her own.

Amelia tried to swallow down a lump in her throat.

Maddy then said goodbye and Amelia did so as well and Maddy left and Amelia stayed.

Amelia stayed, even as it began to drizzle rain, light as it danced on her.

Amelia stayed, even as it began to pour rain, heavy as it pounded on her, and her robes clung to her like wet, drowning rats.

Amelia stayed, even as lightning flashed, a light in the distance tor just a moment before it faded, never staying long enough, and her skin felt numb and she was shivering like a wet, drowning rat.

Amelia stayed.

And just like how Amelia kept living, even as things were rough (which was quite an understatement), Amelia wondered why she did it.

Why would she put herself through so much pain? Why would she put others through so much pain?

Amelia wished lightning would just strike her and finally end her misery.

Amelia left and wished she could leave the other way as well.

And just like always, no one was any the wiser.


	13. A little long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little long, really. Hate how this chapter ends so abruptly.  
> Anyway, it's a little longer than usual because I was reading on a forum and apparently people update with 4k words a chapter but they do it once a week and I thought that usually I do 2.5k-ish for a chapter twice a week but I remembered I was on vacation so I stretched it a little but maybe it's less quality now. Not that my works are quality but I guess sorta-average/leaning towards crap still has standards.  
> TL;DR, I feel bad for being on vacation and not updating as much as I did before (even if they were 2k chapters, still), so I tried to make it up by making a 3k chapter but it's probably even worse so I am so very sorry.  
> -  
> If you actually read that, I am very sorry for rambling as well as probably apologizing too much. Also with calling my work shit, because it's not shit, probably. It's probably at least decent. Maybe.  
> Also I had a sorta Bad Day, or as Amelia would call it, an Off Day, which is made obvious by the rambling author's notes. Sorry again.  
> -  
> The next chapter is a bit over halfway done so it should be at least coming in the next few days or something unless I get sidetracked.

The first thought Amelia had is that it hurts; although it'd probably hurt much, much more if she had actually used the shard of glass (but that would leave lingering scars that lasted too long and she couldn't risk that).

Amelia found she doesn't like it very much as the pain is, well, painful, but it keeps her grounded. It's her anchor, as she struggles to stay afloat in this raging ocean and not sink to the bottom, just cease to exist (or as she struggles to stay on the ground, feeling like she could just float into the air forever and never be found again, just cease to exist).

Amelia's second thought is less of a thought and more of a brief memory.

It was a dark classroom- the potions classroom, in fact. It was an afternoon, a few hours after clases had ended, and Amelia had come to the classroom to ask for extra credit (she'd gotten an Exceeds Expectations on her last essay, which really was quite a blow, considering how she'd make such a stupid, silly mistake that had prevented her from getting an Outstanding). It was after she finished her homework in the library, and the idea had struck her, a sudden flash and Amelia had thought it a very clever idea indeed. Not that she herself was clever, that was obvious from the lackluster Exceeds Expectations on her last essay.

It was a dark classroom- and it was now very pronounced how different the classroom looked when deserted, no one in sight. It was the smallest glisten in the back, a small glisten of something clear that made her linger, even as Amelia uncomfortably realized she shouldn't be in a classroom without the teacher.

She'd gone to see and it had just been the broken half of one of those transparent rulers. Amelia had almost left, almost disappointed, before another idea struck her, another abrupt flash, and Amelia realized this was also a very good idea.

And that was why she hadn't used the glass shard (too messy, too much blood, what if she cut an artery and died by mistake, what if they found her like that, bleeding out and pathetic, laid bare for the world?).

Her third thought is that Amelia is feeling rather funny. Not in the laughing sense like that she had just cracked a few rather impressively funny jokes, which was a bit ludicrous considering how unfunny Amelia was, but rather, in the sense that her chest felt too tight and her eyes kept watering and her breath kept trembling as she exhaled and so did her fingers, shuddering, and her mind kept racing.

A mantra of _not fair, not fair, not fair_ , ran through her head a few times before it delved into _not my fault, help, why, not fair, hate this, hate my life, hate everyone- no, hate me, hate this, want to die, can't die, wish I could, fucking fuck, I'm scum, shitty scum, haha, that's kind of a good joke- not, I'm a horrible person, smiling at a shitty (fuck) pun, here, want to laugh about something, here, you little scumbag- you deserve to die for all your sins, you're a shitty person, shitty friend, shitty daughter, shitty sister, everyone knows it, they hate you, you know they do- everyone hates fucking shitty Amelia- whining about your problems as an eleven year old, what a fucking fake, you piece of-_

Amelia stared. As she had berated herself mentally, she periodically "cut" in accordance to a particularly sharp insult ("cut" made it sound like she was gushing blood, which she was not, or that it was a serious problem, which it was most definitely _not_ ) Her upper thighs were filled with lines, a few with pinpricks of blood but most not being too bad. There are lines diagonal, lines straight, she'd even carved out **D I E** in one part. It didn't turn out so well but she was sure she would get it with a little practice.

It made her sick that she couldn't even use the shard of glass (it just sounded so final, like she was actually cutting or something).

It made her sick that even though her life was going alright-ish, she still resorted to this.

It made her sick that she was actually doing this.

Amelia knew she wasn't the only one at Hogwarts who did it. She wasn't special, she knew.

There had to be someone who could relate to how she felt.

But did Amelia _want_ another person to loathe themself so entirely that they resorted to _that_?

No, so she hoped, _prayed_ that no one else at Hogwarts was having the same problem as hers.

* * *

"Amelia, you should really eat more," Mona pointed out, looking at Amelia's plate.

"I should," she agreed halfheartedly. "Don't feel like it." Amelia probed a string bean, watching as a bean squeezed out. There was a slice of bread to the side, and although Amelia wanted to scrunch her face up at the thought of a string bean sandwich, she knew she could eat it because in truth, she could just eat or not eat and it wouldn't matter a single thing to Amelia (what a lie, it did matter to Amelia, and yes, she would prefer not to eat, but if she had to eat a little, she supposed she could).

No point in eating anyway. It wasn't extraordinarily good and she wasn't really hungry.

Even if it was extraordinarily good, it wasn't like Amelia could summon up any of her appetite to eat all of it.

Maybe she would get an apple from the kitchens and maybe a piece of bread as well (got to keep those friends of hers happy). Apples were good, kept the doctor away. As well as other probable health benefits.

Amelia frowned. Never mind. Eating too much of one fruit apparently wasn't healthy, she recalled.

Alright then, a banana or two it was. Along with a piece of bread.

Aw, look at Amelia, treating herself with two bananas- and a piece of bread! She was really letting loose to say the least.

Amelia was just starting her new regime! Before, she had only skipped a few meals every so often in order to not invoke suspicion or did it if the other two were a bit too busy to notice, but now, well, Amelia didn't like the feeling of being full (made her feel tainted and disgusting and pathetic even if her stomach didn't grumble).

Amelia didn't miss the look shared between Mona and Elizabeta as she skipped lunch.

It wasn't that weird to only eat one meal a day (dinner, the most important meal of the day- if you ignored breakfast and lunch). Plenty of muggles went on those kinds of diets.

It was perfectly healthy (as long as Amelia ignored her stomach's rumbles whenever she skipped meals and the shame burning inside her whenever it got too much for her to bear comfortably- although comfortably just meant she was just skipping a few meals, Amelia couldn't go too long without that awful hunger starting up again- and she went to the kitchens and had a whole sandwich).

* * *

Amelia ended up having to eat two ham and cheese sandwiches which made her feel too full. 

Two sandwiches, when only one was her occasional indulgence that she wished she could get rid of.

But she couldn't disappoint Mona and Elizabeta, who both looked relieved when she'd eaten them.

But now, here Amelia was, sitting in a bathroom stall, her stomach feeling queasy.

She felt nauseous but even as she sat by the toilet, nothing would come up. Her stomach twisted and turned and yet, nothing.

It was four a.m. and Amelia regretted eating the sandwiches so, so much.

* * *

So, in order to avoid this type of situation again- since Mona and Elizabeta would undoubtedly grow suspicious again when they found her not eating much at meals- she arrived early and made it look like she'd ate a normal, if not a little small, amount.

Of course, she couldn't use it in excess but it helped a lot.

It was almost funny to Amelia, how she wanted help so much, wanted someone to just fucking notice already.

To notice that she wasn't okay, she felt terrible, she hated this, hated this so much-

And Amelia feels too reminded of the fact that she feels too old, doesn't feel like an eleven year old sometimes, feels like someone much, much older.

Amelia feels very, very young at times, like a young and vulnerable child clinging to their parents for reassurance that _no, honey, it's okay, lightning could not come in the house_ and yet also a bitter, cruel old woman who spat at everyone and sneered to the child that _no, you dumb child, lightning could not come in the house, you fucking stupid piece of shit._

Amelia tries to push both of them away- the part of her that longs for love and the part of her that spits at it.

She tries to just be Amelia but the Just Amelia isn't really anyone.

Just Amelia is someone who wants to stop eating and say, fuck hunger, let it gnaw at her stomach till she died, who wants to cry until her eyes dry and then cry a little longer, who wants to just stop time and for nothing to ever happen.

Just Amelia isn't really someone Amelia would like to be so she settles for Hero Amelia, who is essentially the best parts of her father.

She thinks. Hero Amelia is hard to grasp and pin down and understand. She studies hard, laughs a lot, jokes with friends, and nothing can bother her. She is always bright and funny and everyone likes her.

Amelia is just Amelia. Not Just Amelia not Hero Amelia or the young child crying themself to sleep or the old woman who sees the world in her own jaded outlook and in nothing else.

Amelia is just Amelia and she isn't sure if she likes that.

* * *

Amelia hated eating. 

No, that wasn't correct. She disliked eating regularly and disliked being forced to eat.

Eating could be sort of fun. If it tasted really good, Amelia might give it a a few bites before she felt a pull to throw it out.

But what's the point in eating more than Amelia has to?

She felt worthless when she ate too much. It was like she didn't deserve food.

Amelia didn't completely understand it either.

Amelia didn't understand how people count eat so much and not feel fatter and fatter each day.

It wasn't like Amelia felt that much lighter or that much better but it made it slightly more tolerable.

Slightly more tolerable is probably the best Amelia could get.

* * *

It is raining outside, pounding sheets of icy rain on Hogwarts's exterior walls and flashes of lightning and rumbles of thunder.

Amelia is unfortunately stuck inside.

Amelia remembers the last time it rained that hard and she had stayed out and just stayed while her limbs felt like blocks of ice and she couldn't feel her fingers or toes at all along with her hands and feet.

Once she'd gotten inside, Amelia took a warm shower (it wasn't scalding hot for normal people who hadn't stayed out in the rain for what seemed like forever but it was scalding hot to Amelia that day and it helped thaw her limbs out), turning the faucet with numb fingers that trembled too much and teeth that clattered noisily and a body that kept shuddering.

But here Amelia was, stuck in this awful, wonderfully comfortable chair, forlornly watching the view outside the window.

It is raining outside and Amelia wishes she could be out in the rain and be feeling very sorry for herself.

* * *

Amelia's been drifting through life recently. There's been nothing important to do, no one important to see.

Exploding Snap isn't as fun anymore, the novelty quickly wearing off (now she likes to watch her friends play the game, Amelia doubts she'll ever get sick of having friends- maybe the responsibilities, sure, but otherwise, friends were great).

Amelia feels like she is right back where she started, not wanting to do anything and nothing new or interesting ever happening (she knows this is false, Christmas break is coming up and her friends are so, so excited to see their families but Amelia doesn't see the charm in having a week by herself in the castle since her father is a little preoccupied, with the whole more dead than alive thing, and her mother is a little preoccupied as well, considering she's dead).

She knows that in the beginning of the year, she was so excited and Younger Amelia would be ecstatic at the recently assigned Potions recreational essay for extra credit and Amelia would probably be a bit excited except now there's just more work to do (Younger Amelia would skip over that part) and less time to do it and more time spent in the library and less time with some of her friends.

Amelia can't think of anything else that she would consider interesting.

Amelia has better days more often maybe. She isn't too sure and she hasn't really gotten it down to an exact science.

But there are less mornings where she stares at the canopy of her bed feeling like there wasn't really a point in continuing on for half an hour before dragging herself out of bed (but maybe that's because Amelia reminds herself aggressively that she has friends and _you will not disappoint them, you hear that, asshole?_ which probably isn't very healthy). 

There are less days where she goes into the bathroom from anywhere from a period of a few minutes to half an hour while she cries silently, too afraid to make a noise, too afraid for someone to come see her in this miserable state.

She tries not to self harm there, keep it as a sacred place, but Amelia sometimes feels the rush that she needs to, can't hold back the pain blossoming in her chest and the feeling that if she doesn't get the _hell_ out of there, she'll start crying and someone might notice something was wrong.

So maybe her problems aren't getting better but Amelia is coping somewhat.

Her worse days are, unsurprisingly, her worse days. They don't always start badly, sometimes they do but sometimes they start off normal, fine.

And something slightly bad happens and Amelia's already not so hot mood begins its descent downwards.

And Amelia is stuck again, stuck behind a wall of forced detachment behind a wall of fine-ness and living up to her father behind walls and walls.

Her friends ask if she's okay sometimes on those days, and Amelia is forced to lie as always.

Most of the time, they don't ask at all and Amelia has to remind herself it's better this way.

Because what if they saw, the harsh lines Amelia had etched into her (mostly) upper thighs? What if they saw how dull she could feel or what if they saw how Amelia wanted to scream or cry, anything so someone would notice?

It could change everything, they might treat her like fragile glass, and there wouldn't be any study sessions with Mona and-

And the only things she even slightly looked forward to anymore.

~~There was a small part of Amelia that said that maybe they wouldn't care that she was stuck in _whatever_ she was, that maybe nothing would change and they would laugh off how she felt and say that was _normal_ , silly, but it did not feel very normal to hate yourself and do what Amelia did to herself- but maybe it would be normal for a bad person like her or something, or something, and maybe Amelia would be left to rot alone while weeping- ~~

(Okay, Amelia was officially not following that train of thought anymore, mentally crossing it out.)

Anyway, the only things that forced Amelia to continue on her burden ~~of living~~ of being the hero besides the flimsy reasoning that she would trouble someone somehow by dying.

(Sometimes Amelia felt they would be much, much better off if their so called Hero just offed herself.)

* * *

Sometimes when Amelia is too tired to talk, to act out her part, she just trails behind her friends, okay with just watching their antics. Especially Elizabeta and Lovina, although Mona does join in often and add her thoughts on the topic.

Usually, she's okay with not being a big part of their dynamics on those days, they understand even the Hero needs breaks and they usually acknowledge Amelia's existence every so often, reminding her that she was not forgotten.

But sometimes they don't acknowledge her when they get too caught up laughing and joking (and sometimes they have inside jokes, which makes Amelia feel like something is rotting inside her, contagious and tainted and _spreading_ ).

And Amelia feels lost, more like an outsider trying to fit in and only sticking out like a sore thumb. She just follows, and they don't look at her, and Amelia feels like she doesn't exist.

It feels like they exist in entirely different worlds.

(And Amelia knows it doesn't happen that often to make a fuss over it, she knows, but even once or twice, even with good reason, her heart refuses to listen, just keeps crying out, sharply stinging Amelia's eyes- even as her brain reminds her that it is with good reason and good intentions, it does not soothe her heart and her chest always feels too tight and her vision is often blurry before she forces herself to get the tears the fuck away before someone notices.)

Amelia remembers why having friends is such a double edged sword, because they can make you feel so much better with their support and stand by you- but it can also make you feel so much worse when it feels like their support is gone (even though Amelia knows rationally it isn't, her heart keeps saying it over and over so it feels true at this point even if Amelia knows logically it is not).

Sometimes they rib her a little, just a small, normal amount of teasing for friends to be doing and yet, she can't laugh, can't find the usual amusement and the returned tease (Amelia's mouth is dry and she can't think of anything that pertains to the situation or anything smart or funny and so she always just nods and plasters on a- fake- smile on her face).

Amelia forces herself to smile again as she trails behind them but it feels forced and unnatural and it does not belong (just like Amelia does not belong) and she lets it crumble away the second no one is looking.

And Amelia keeps finding herself hiding in a stall in that familiar bathroom where she had first hid in after Maddy had dismissed her ever so subtly, using that stupid half of a clear, hard ruler, crying over all she feels she has lost as each stroke burns a little, pinpricks of blood always popping up on her last few (she finally stops after those, not quite satisfied but maybe a sort of satisfied that was twisted and warped from its original intention and only half-satisfied).

Amelia still cannot believe her horrible luck, that even though her life is going sort of fine, whatever _this_ is keeps following her wherever she goes.

And all too soon, it's Christmas Break.


	14. whoops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I figured this was enough agony for Amelia to go through so it's time for Amelia to fight back.   
> Of course, the Thing, as Amelia labeled it, will come back eventually, but for now Amelia is doing her best. 
> 
> Also 3.5k words... how?? 
> 
> I still haven't started the next chapter so whoops.

Amelia settled back into bed in the early hours of the morning. It was quiet with only her in the dorm, and Amelia found she didn't like it that much.

Her life was going great, she told herself. So great that great people feel less great when they notice how much greater Amelia the great person felt so great.

There was absolutely nothing wrong in her life, nothing that wasn't a slight hitch in her life, that is.

And yet, Amelia felt like she was deteriorating further and further, rusting silently while she tried to reach out for help but cowered when someone tried to help her.

* * *

Amelia seems like she's fine, she doesn't exhibit the usual behaviors for someone troubled.

Amelia knows that.

She gets good grades, at least in the subjects ~~her father~~ she likes. Amelia's recently given up with trying so hard at the subjects she isn't so good at and only puts forward enough effort to get an Outstanding (but in America, they would've called it 90s or an A-, but here at Hogwarts, there is only Outstanding and there isn't an Outstanding+ or an Outstanding- just an Oustanding and Amelia isn't sure whether she likes that or not).

Amelia uses Christmas Eve as pure study time but even that gets boring eventually, even if it is on something Amelia finds fairly interesting. The day after, Amelia wanders out of her dorm room (she had a few hidden snacks to fuel her through yesterday), and upon realizing it is breakfast, she heads into the dining hall.

There aren't many other students here as most would probably prefer to be at home with their families, enjoying their family's company.

There is only one one of the long tables and Amelia notices that all of the remaining students are staying there.

There's Maddy (and Amelia has to remind herself not to suck in a breath a little too sharp and a little too fast because here, there are people who could hear) and maybe there are half a dozen faces she doesn't recognize that seem to be around Amelia's age, give or take a few years, and there are maybe a few older years.

Someone looks at Amelia with a small laugh when they see her blundering around while she looked for a seat, and Amelia tries to smile, really tries to, but it feels like a wolfish smile that spreads too much across her face, too wide, and Amelia forces it down a moment later.

Amelia doesn't know if they noticed how abnormal her smile was because she sits down in the closest seat available as quickly as she can.

Amelia bit her lip, unsure of how much food she would have for breakfast. Elizabeta and Mona weren't there to hound her to eat but at the same time, not eating at all didn't sound too hot.

Spotting a bowl of hardboiled eggs, Amelia hesitated before taking two (she couldn't just skip a food group like dairy just because she didn't want to eat). Maybe she would even have a slice of toast, toast to the holidays and good spirits or something-

Amelia spotted Maddy, talking to a student near her with bright eyes and not even looking at Amelia and Amelia found she couldn't quite muster up any desire to eat anything else.

Amelia also found she couldn't quite muster up any desire to eat lunch or dinner, at least in the dining hall, skulking off to the kitchens once in between the meals, and lying (which she felt rather bad about) to the house elves that she was studying and just needed a small snack to power through. They'd given her what felt like the entirety of a normal person's lunch, which really, felt like too much but Amelia didn't want to offend the kind house elves and thanked them profusely before scuttling away.

All in all, a not too heinous day. Amelia had studied some, then studied some more, and then studied some more for good measure.

It was a bit boring but to be fair, there hadn't been anything to do, an almost suspicious absence of things to do, really-

"Oh, fuck," Amelia cursed. She'd missed the feast! She hadn't even realized until now but maybe that was for the best.

Thinking back to the Halloween feast, Amelia shuddered, it had been such a nightmare.

A bit of an exaggeration but Amelia still couldn't shrug off the feast.

_Amelia had not felt so hot, so to say._

_Mona and Elizabeta kept looking at her, like_ well, weren't you going to eat? Didn't you want to eat?

_And Amelia did not want to eat, actually, she wanted to pretend that she was absolutely not hungry as she tore her eyes from looking yearningly towards the luxurious foods displayed on the table._

_Amelia hadn't yet learned that food didn't taste that good, as it was dulled as it passed through her walls, inspection after inspection usually sapping the flavor._

_Back then, food had its benefits._

_But Amelia knew that she shouldn't eat at the feast, knew if she did, she would regret it so, so much._

_But Mona and Elizabeta kept looking and Amelia's arms kept itching- she hadn't found the ruler until recently so Past Amelia had been using the primitive method of her fingernails- and she'd forced herself to tuck into a bowl of rice, not wanting to invoke too much suspicion._

_Elizabeta had shoved some sort of meat on top of the rice._

_Amelia had eaten it, forced herself to, but looking back, Amelia could not remember what it tasted like (could barely taste it in the moment) and only the rice lingered, bite after bite. Disgusting and plain just like her._

_She'd hated it. Maybe that was when Amelia began to hate food._

* * *

"Amelia, are you okay?"

The inquiry echoed in the classroom that Maddy had brought Amelia to, the last day before break ended.

What?

Amelia was preparing to comfort her sister over her problems, not whatever this is, as Amelia froze up at the question, staring at Maddy, confused.

What?

"Yes," she hesitantly answered, after a pause that was a little too long to be easily dismissed. "Maddy, uh, why are you asking, though?"

Maddy looked away, looking ill at ease, like Amelia saying she was okay hadn't actually convinced her Amelia was fine.

"I don't know why I asked," Maddy admitted reluctantly. "It's just, that, you don't seem okay sometimes."

Amelia stared. Maddy put her hands up slightly. "Um, I do believe you if you say you're okay, it's just that-"

"Oh, thanks," Amelia let the words slip out of her mouth before she could take them back. She wasn't prepared for Maddy to actually ask about her problems.

Which she totally did not have, because right now, she was fine, she was fine, fine, fine, the finest a fine person could be fine!

Amelia tugged the sleeves of her robes down; even if the scratches from her fingernails all that time ago had faded, she never felt too comfortable showing the limbs anymore.

"I just," Amelia struggled for the words. Her sister was reaching out to her, cared about her, it seemed, she had to return the gesture. Amelia swallowed. She had to try and trust Maddy.

"I don't always feel like an eleven year old, I feel too old and too young," Amelia admitted lowly. "Your mother just, maybe it was partly because of her, or maybe not, or-" Amelia halted as Maddy stared, looking horrified, eyes wide and mouth beginning to move quickly as Maddy rambled to herself so quietly that Amelia couldn't hear.

Finally, Maddy stopped, turning to Amelia with tears beginning to pool in her eyes.

"Amelia," she tried to smile but when she did, she looked even sadder than when she hadn't been smiling, "let me give you a hug."

Amelia wanted to bolt at those words because hold up, what? Her sister was the most insecure person Amelia had ever known and she was throwing that away to comfort Amelia? Even if there was no one there, Amelia knew this probably counted for a lot.

Maddy didn't wait for a response, squeezing Amelia under her arms, and Amelia almost scrunched up her face as something wet plopped onto her shoulder before many more did so as well-

Tears. Oh, shit nuggets, Amelia made her sister cry.

Officially the worst sister in the world.

But Amelia, even as she dug deep into herself, couldn't find a part that was content with ignoring Amelia's own, giant problems for the sake of someone else, all the parts of her were selfish, wanted someone else to hold onto them as _they_ cried-

So Amelia ignored these parts and clenching her teeth through the visceral pain of putting her pain aside to help other people.

Amelia comforted her sister even as her own wounds bled, even as her hushing sounds began twisting the wounds deeper and deeper-

After Amelia sufficiently comforted her sister, Maddy sniffled again, wiping a sleeve over her face, scrubbing hard at her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Amelia," Maddy said, so earnest, so sincere, even as tears kept trickling down from her shining violet eyes, "if you ever feel like that again, tell me, _please_."

Amelia bit her lip. There was a whole lot she wasn't telling Maddy, regarding other, more serious topics, and yet her sister was already crying over a small, practically insignificant detail to Amelia.

Well, it wasn't like Amelia could tell Maddy of her deeper feelings now or else the older girl would probably burst into more tears and feel even worse.

Amelia sighed mentally, feeling way too old to be eleven. It was probably for the best anyway.

Even so, seeds of warmth sowed in her heart. Her sister really did care about her, Amelia realized with a small smile.

"Amelia! I'm your _sister_ , please, _please_ tell me, _okay_?" Big, round eyes searched Amelia's face for a moment as Amelia nodded, more than a little shocked. 

"Okay," Maddy sniffled one last time before laughing brokenly. "I probably look like a mess. Imagine if Maria saw me now-"

"Maria?" Amelia asked, feeling awfully out of the loop.

"Oh, no one, just an um," Maddy blushed like she always did when she liked someone. "Friend."

"You like her!" Amelia exclaimed, it clicking into place. How sweet that her sister was finding love, or at least a crush. It was achingly normal that Amelia almost feels a slight stab of resentment before shutting it down because Maddy is good and deserves it while Amelia is bad and does not.

Maddy doesn't comment, twiddling with her fingers and looking away while heat pools in her cheeks.

Wait, Amelia thought as a vague memory reminded her, didn't Maddy avoid her to impress an older year or something? "Is that why you...?" Amelia made a vague gesture.

Maddy's eyes dipped down, towards the floor. "Yeah. I'm sorry," she amended, looking awfully sorry too with reddish, big, hopeful and apologizing eyes.

Oh, curse it, Amelia thought to herself darkly. She could never stay mad at her sister for too long.

"It's okay," Amelia told Maddy and this time, there was less of a bitter, acrid taste in her mouth as she did so although it was still there. "It's okay."

* * *

Amelia stared at the ruler. Maddy would inevitably burst into loud, drawn out tears if she knew. She would really hurt her sister if she knew.

Amelia swallowed, a voice in the back of her head telling her that no one ever had to know if she just kept it hidden and-

* * *

She threw it out.

* * *

Amelia found life way more bearable after that. She'd forced herself to eat at least one normal sized meal a day, and maybe a snack for a light meals. In fact, in the month following the break, Mona and Elizabeta looked put at ease as they now saw proof of her at least eating one, normal sized meal a day (although she didn't like eating too much, so she still had to cover that up- luckily, they ate up childish excuses of playing outside for too long or pouts as Amelia says she was studying for too long).

It was easier when Amelia was with Maddy.

It felt easier when it felt like someone cared, and even if that someone didn't know the whole story, they were her sister and cared and-

Amelia wouldn't say that this problem thing went away but it was alleviated just a bit and even, dare she say, ameliorated it a bit as well.

Get it? Amelia-orated?

Luckily, the voice that snarled obscenities at her when she made a seperate, clever play on words didn't speak up.

Maybe Amelia would never have that nasty voice again and maybe Amelia wouldn't hate herself-

Most likely that wouldn't happen any time soon and whatever high she was riding on here certainly wouldn't last forever and she'd crash back to hating herself.

Amelia has always been an optimist though, a Hero through and through! So she can hope for the best and prepare for the worst (like they say during those hurricanes).

But what was the worst?

Amelia's smile froze on her face.

Maybe her dying would be the worst case scenario. Her just tying up her bedsheets into a noose and-

Eleven years old, died of suicide, she can already see the headlines. What an attention seeker, how could an eleven year old commit suicide! Eleven is too young to worry, too young to have any real urge to kill yourself! Poor girl probably didn't get her bedtime snack! Look at the adults, the teens! Here this girl is, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic-

Amelia frowned, blinking. She hadn't meant to go that far. At least not when she was, crossing her fingers, getting better!

Amelia would never commit suicide.

It was a like she would never cross. 

Amelia pushed her feelings to the side. An eleven year old couldn't want to kill herself, an eleven year old surely couldn't-

She was proud to ~~lie~~ say she was perfectly normal, thank you very much.

* * *

So Amelia was making an effort to be more normal, get back into the swing of what she had been doing before she was caught up in the mess.

She had forced out smiles at her potions professor, pretended to beam at his compliments on her potions.

Amelia had forced herself to hang out more with Mona, Elizabeta, and Lovina, them being warm beams of light that lit up her path, ignoring the cracks that had formed during her... time away. Except on the Off Days in which she couldn't muster up anything even as she knew she should, and on those days, she felt more of a shell than an actual, flesh and bone human being.

She had actually talked to Sakura, who hung out with her occasionally on weekends when they both weren't busy and Sakura was so, so great, a soothing presence in her life.

As for Michelle and Lilli, the almost nonexistent roommates, they seemed to go their separate ways from the trio/quartet (Amelia wasn't sure whether she counted or not). They did seem to have other friends to lean upon so Amelia didn't feel too bad about not becoming super close with them.

(Amelia sometimes still felt the cool rush of anger, or really, upset, of a childish that's not fair and she has to remind herself to calm the hell down before she revealed more than she meant to.)

But Amelia had done the best she could for all of these things, despite, or sometimes, in (perhaps a little petty) spite, of whatever had been plaguing her recently.

"Amelia," Marianne, Madam Bonnefoy, the Nurse- _She_ frowns, looking at Amelia. Amelia ignores her mental turmoil of the right name (were things between them okay? was Amelia okay?).

"It's just a thing I'm curious about," She keeps her face blank, a sure sign she was up to anything. Amelia frowned. She was never so blank without a reason.

"I can try," Amelia uncomfortably says. She touches her on Amelia's shoulder for a quick second, and all she can think of is

_don't touch me don't touch me don't touch me_

before she reminds herself that she is overreacting and that no one has ever raised a hand to her-

without very good reason of her being a brat as she grew up, vain and wanting her to be the Hero

of her being ungrateful for her mom raising her so kindly

of hurt backs and being shoved into the floor, the backs of closets and the backs of the table, and a plate being broken in the distance

and venomous curses directed towards her as her mom just like the venomous curses she'd vented to her journal after feeling pushed away and spat at

and it wasn't ever that much, just a shove and really, there was nothing else and really, it's probably normal, it is, really, not everyone is perfect, and she wasn't and Amelia wasn't and it's fine, it's fine, _it's fine_ -

Amelia stares at the questionnaire, realizing it's one for what she's going through right now.

Help is what she could get.

But she doesn't need it that much anymore, anyway. The ruler was thrown out and the meals were more regular and-

Amelia bit her lip.

And put down exactly the answers of what a kinda stressed eleven year old would put down.

(Even as she screamed on the inside, to just put down what she felt, that maybe it could help, even just the tiniest bit, Amelia's fingers trembled but wouldn't write what she felt in an act or mutiny.)

* * *

Later, in her dorm, after everyone else has gone to sleep and Amelia is alone, Amelia thinks.

She had looked so relieved, a little worried, but overall so relieved that she'd hugged Amelia very tightly and Amelia hadn't hugged her back, too shocked.

She'd shooed her away then with a large smile, attending to another student who had just arrived.

Amelia doesn't regret it for Her sake. But Amelia does mourn it for herself, for how her fingers reached out and grabbed the opportunity before they slipped and fell and it slipped out of her grasp and she was falling, falling, _falling_ -

Amelia started awake, not realizing she had fallen asleep as well as that she hadn't thought of that incident since a long time ago. It was pretty amazing how She had done a Fixus Everythingus spell but She had created many new spells (although She said she had just spoken them, and that their magic was old, she had only just awoken them, but Amelia thought it was brilliant), had been called a very bright witch for that particular talent.

Amelia knew she would never be called a bright witch and that she would never have any talents but that was okay. It was fine.

Amelia was _fine_.

* * *

Amelia had been having one of those days where she couldn't feel anything, felt like a shell of her old, enthusiastic self. There were actually less often now that Maddy supported her often.

It had been in the Hufflepuff common room, and there hadn't been many other people around as it was a Saturday and many of the older years had gone off to Hogsmeade.

She watched her friends playfully interact with each other, watched and watched on the sidelines, on the very comfortable couch where she was lounging on.

Amelia wished, she really did, to be able to chat with them, laugh so easily, but something held her back, a nasty little prick of a voice sneering that they wouldn't want someone like her, someone annoying and obnoxious.

So she'd held back.

Only for Ivan to approach her. She'd bit her lip then, not really knowing what he'd want from her.

Only for-

"Hey, Amelia, you okay?"

the unexpected to happen.

Something had bloomed in her chest then, something lovely and wonderful and warm.

And Amelia had gotten the sense that everything would be okay, if only for this day, this hour, this minute, this second.

It felt like someone had cared. Someone who did not have an obligation to care like her sister (who had cried and had twisted fingers into Amelia's wounds unknowingly) or her close friends (who stared from off to the side, never daring to step too close, thinking they knew her well enough to know she was fine) or the nurse and the professor (who had only cared for her father) or anyone else who had fell short even as they stretched out a hand to help.

He had looked at her with those purple eyes, and Amelia didn't know what he was thinking or feeling but it was just so nice of him, and Amelia couldn't stop smiling like some goofy idiot.

And she'd nodded and grinned and said _yeah, I'm fine, thank you for asking, it was nice of you to do so, Ivan._

He'd smiled back and Amelia doubted there were many other greater things than that smile right there, pure and kind. 

Even if her words were omitting a bit of the truth, Amelia felt that she was telling _most_ of the truth.

Because now, Amelia felt like she _would_ be okay. 

Something snapped and said _fuck this bullshit, I'm going to be happy. I'm not wasting away like my father, blind to how many people cared about him._

 _I'm going to live and I'm going to_ like _it._

Amelia couldn't find it in her to disagree.


	15. the return of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a chapter that was mostly written back in August but I finished it up.  
> It's probably a little jarring but I'm sure it's probably kind of readable!  
> As usual, I utterly loathe this chapter but not enough to not upload.  
> -  
> I'm going to try and start this fanfic up again but high school is draining and my dysthymia sure isn't fucking helping. Dysthymia is a form of mild-moderate depression, its most notable feature being how it has improved mood due to positive events. Unfortunately, improved mood doesn't stay as long as I wish it would.

Potions was a horrid affair. In fact, Amelia would've rather hung herself than relive the experience. 

Well, it was a bit of an exaggeration and really, Amelia would've rather hung herself for a whole lot of things but what can you do?

"Today, we will be beginning a project, so you will all get into pairs here, the Professor's eyes narrowed, looking over at a few students that spoke too often and were troublemakers, "please do refrain from fooling around." 

Amelia glanced at Elizabeta and Mona from the corner of her eyes. She wondered if one of them would actually want to do it with her. 

She took a breath to ground herself before taking a step towards them. 

Only to completely halt as the Professor called out again, looking almost sickeningly pleased with himself, “Of course, you’ll be working with who you’re sitting next to.” The entire classroom erupted into groans and whines, Amelia merely standing, feeling herself begin to crumble and drift away like ashes in a breeze before she recollected herself. This wasn’t the end of the world, Amelia knew that. But it would’ve such a good opportunity to talk to them and get more used to their company.

Amelia glanced at Roderich, noticing he looked somewhat disappointed. Maybe he’d wanted to pair up with Elizabeta, her mind suggested. 

For a moment, she wanted to scoff because couldn’t he just strike up conversation with her, but she still remembered how she felt her friends probably didn’t even care about her, and how sometimes, she still felt that way.

“Want to meet up after classes at the library?” Amelia offered. Roderich paused a little longer than necessary before nodding.

For a moment, he seemed like he wanted to say something but he just turned away and walked off to get the ingredients for the potion they were doing today.

When Roderich came back, they both did their potion together in silence.

And later that day, when they were in the library, there wasn’t any sound except for their breathing, the pages being flipped, the quill scratching the paper as they jotted down notes, and the distant conversations other students had. 

* * *

Amelia's arms itched. 

To be fair, she had lasted longer than she thought she would. 

An entire week was fueled- and like most things that require fuel, energy depleted until it was entirely wasted away. 

Unfortunately, there wasn't any more fuel, to say. 

But Amelia was determined to make some fuel. 

That would have to wait, though, she absentmindedly thought before she suppressed a sigh as Amelia recognized a burning sensation in her arms, prickling and beginning to turn red and irritated and feeling raw.  

This whole trying thing took a whole lot of energy out of her.

Of course, fixing whatever Amelia's _thing_ was wouldn't be as easy as just deciding she would fix it. 

But it was a start, and right now, Amelia was pretty desperate to stop all these fucking thoughts in her head that came swimming by whenever something bad happened, and sometimes, even when good things happened. They were unwarranted and spoke deceiving lies that made Amelia feel like she deserved to be slandered so horribly. 

Thinking very, very objectively, Amelia forced herself to acknowledge that nobody deserved to hate themself. 

Although, very, very subjectively, she knew- it felt she deserved it.

(And very subjectively as well, she knew this buzzing sound in her head, echoing, better stop or she'd smash a fist into something, or worse, someone.) 

Amelia had to be careful with her words from there on. Most of the stuff she thought was true was pretty ludicrous, too. 

She wasn't bad enough to warrant being scum, that was probably reserved for serial killers or something. 

And her friends couldn't possibly hate her if they insisted on hanging out with her and looked out for her. They were practically hanging out with her right now, in the common room- although her monologue was taking up most of her attention, Amelia was sure to nod at certain intervals. Her friends were very important but more important was getting better so she could be a better friend in the long run. 

It was a small comfort but once again, Amelia took what she got and moulded it into more. 

And forcing herself to admit the flagrant reasons for her loathing of herself was... challenging, to say, but she knew that compared to what would come, it was incredibly easy. 

It was easier to ignore the obvious misconceptions but it was harder to ignore the sly whispers slipping through her logic-enforced walls. 

That maybe Amelia's friends didn't hate her but maybe they liked her less than the others in their friend circles. That if someone better were to come along, they wouldn't give a single damn about her and drop her like a cold hot cake in favor for a hot one (that probably didn't make much sense but it wasn't like Amelia was actually telling someone all this so she figured it was fine.) 

It was there Amelia faltered, teetered on the edge of getting better and of just resigning herself to her fate, stuck in the dark, black bottom floor of the ocean.

Where she could fight her way up and light could penetrate for a moment and give hope but it was also where she would never reach the surface and ultimately sink back down to the bottom. 

It was there Amelia faltered, unsure and unsteady on shaky legs that she hadn't used in a long time, struggling to stay on her feet, all the while wondering whether it was work it when it hurt and it was so hard when she could just fall back down and give in to the pervading _thing_. 

On second thought, that sounded inherently wrong and like something Maddy would blush at sputter at, so Amelia reworded it. 

It was hard when she could just give in- either way was fine by the thing, although the _thing_  would probably prefer the latter. 

Amelia could continue this _thing_ or she could die. Unfortunately for the _thing_ , Amelia created another option of getting the fuck better. 

Ha! Screw whatever it was that was screwing around with her! She wasn't getting screwed any longer...

Fuck, Amelia just had the wonderful talent of making everything sound perverted-

_She_ was perverted, twisted and warped into something Amelia was not, whether it was her father or what the _thing_  moulded her into, whether she was intensely upset and a mess or feeling muted and dull emotions or-

Amelia bit her lip, squinting at the common room floor. She hadn't meant for that monologue to take such a dark twist at the end. It was meant to be inspiring her to continue forth her journey of getting better.

She couldn't even do that right, Amelia miserably moaned to herself, flopping back onto the couch. 

“Um, Amelia, you’ve been pretty spaced out," Elizabeta said, voice struggling to cut through the murky fog surrounding Amelia. 

Oh, so that was the buzzing sound, Amelia realized with a small blush spreading across her cheeks. Oops. 

"Sorry," Amelia frowned before looking up. "Were we talking about Quidditch or-" 

"You say that with such an unfazed expression and tone like Quidditch isn't the best thing ever created-" 

"Excuse me, Elizabeta, but the best thing ever created could not ever be a simple sport, it would be casinos, really-" 

"And how would you know? You're a minor!"

Amelia smiled to herself, sitting up be plopping an arm on the headrest-thing to prop her head, watching her friends bicker playfully.

If there was a feeling for how she felt, it would be a warm, fuzzy one starting from the depths of her stomach spreading to each of her fingertips, tingling. 

Unfortunately for Amelia, she didn't feel that feeling but the small smile on her face was more than enough to make up for it in her eyes. 

* * *

It was a horrible day, starting small with a skipped meal or two or three and ending with Amelia rocking herself in the bathroom, crying, all soft hiccups and snot running down out of her nose with her head feeling awful like someone was piercing knives through her temples. 

Amelia was very glad no one can see her miserable form now, her eyes probably red and every time she tried to whisper something to calm herself down, it comes out as a high pitched whimper that stuttered into being nothing. 

The hunger gnawed at her stomach, and she was so, so hungry, her stomach kept growling and Amelia wanted to throw herself to the ground as she profusely apologized but she couldn't go out of the bathroom, she might have to see people who would see her in this pathetic state. 

It was a horrible day, and Amelia wished she never made that stupid, naive promise of getting better to herself. It was like she was in this dark, deep hole and she was struggling to get out, and it was so hard and she felt like falling back in but she couldn't, she couldn't- 

Amelia muffled her next sob by pressing her face into her knees. 

* * *

She’d left what felt like an hour later but what had only been thirty minutes later.

It’d taken 10 minutes of waiting just so she didn’t look like she’d been crying and a lot of tap water and a lot of restraint to not burst into tears again.

Amelia wasn’t hungry anymore, the gnawing faded and she knew if she went to sleep, it wouldn’t be too bad the next morning, probably.

Amelia did feel awfully hollow, like someone had carved and scooped out her insides and all that was left was a disgusting shell of someone fake. (Or a jack o lantern but really, Amelia's offbfrand comedy wasn't amusing anyone.) 

No one had came, only reaffirming her suspicions that no one cared about her. 

Amelia imagined what would have happened if someone, anyone, had come in, concerned and soft and-

_"Amelia?" A voice, soft and concerned._

_A voice meant a person which meant someone could see her pathetic and she was laid bare to the world-_

_Fuck, thinking was pretty counterproductive, she would realize as she had to muffle another sob, this time with her hand._

_"Amelia!"_

_Maddy. Oh, Maddy, oh, fuck, shit, crap, damn, fuck, fuck, shit-_

_The door opened._

_"Hey," Amelia breathed in through her nose, sniffling, sucking up snot and mucus and probably some tears up as a disgusting blend up into her nose._

_She swiped at some leftover snot, recoiling as it was so mucus-y._

_Amelia conveniently ignored how her heart pounded in her chest, kept pounding and pounding like it was pouring outside and they were knocking on a door and wow, it was pounding really hard-_

_"So, what's new with you?" Amelia tried to smile, she really did, but it was kind of hard when Amelia had such a horrible day. Her smile might have looked broken or it might have been a grimace but Maddy looked like she might cry so that probably wasn't a good sign that she'd smiled correctly._

_Whoops. "Sorry," Amelia voice cracked under stress._

_Wow, embarrassing, Amelia berated herself mentally._

_"Oh, Amelia," Maddy scooped her into her arms then, warm and welcoming and all Amelia ever wanted._

_Stupidly, Amelia thought that Maddy smelled nice, like maple syrup and pancakes._

_Maddy kept cooing at her, telling her gently to just let it all out, and Amelia felt she should probably be offended to be treated like a toddler but frankly, her emotional state was kind of all over the place._

_She burrowed her head into Maddy and started bawling, sobbing pretty loudly._

_She would regret this later, Amelia knew, her dignity would be ripped apart and she'd be known as the Girl Who Sobbed Like a Baby but she'd deal with that once her emotions settled._

_And that was that, and the horrible day went from small to big to big in a different, good way._

_Not everything could be solved by hugs but Amelia would definitely say that they made a lot of things better._

For a minute, Amelia soaked up the scene with its wonderful, happy ending until it faded into something ugly, what it really was- a sad, sad fantasy.

Amelia tried to shake it off and she somehow did, but only because she was too numb to feel anything at all-

* * *

Later that week, Amelia actually laughed. It was small but it was bright and pure and she felt nothing but that as she laughed, brilliant and wonderful and alive. 

Her smile spread too wide but Amelia couldn't care, and everything was great, what kind of crazy thing had been going on was surely gone by now- 

Only you would be that stupid, Amelia thought to herself, crashing back to reality with a heavy thud and a large frown. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Amelia would do anything to get that feeling back but it was surely too late, slipping through her fingers like sand until there wasn't enough, only a few grains serving as a pathetic reminder of what had been and what could've been. 

Noise buzzed in her ears, probably her friends, but at this point, all Amelia could do was stare at her hands as the sand slipped further away and they felt calloused and old and weary. 

Her hands blurred, blobs of flesh now, and something wet tracked down her cheeks, plopping onto her hands. 

Oh, she realized dumbly. She was crying. 

"Sorry, I'm fine," Amelia choked out, clearing her throat, and although her voice mysteriously hiked upwards on the fine, Mona and Elizabeta settled back onto their beds, looking unsteady and uncertain-

"Really," Amelia lied. Was it a lie? Her brain felt screwed up right now like someone had messed around and misplaced her furniture and now she was bumbling around into everything, sharp edges ramming into her body. 

She was probably fine, she decided. 

* * *

The Professor reminds them during class that their potion will be due in a few days and that they should consider themselves lucky that he’s giving them this double period to do their work.

Roderich and Amelia start their potion like they always do, without discussing anything. 

Amelia can hear the sound of Ivan and Mona laughing together as she walks back to the cupboard to get a sprig or two of peppermint, and she almost stops walking when she sees purple and blue eyes sparkling and flushed cheeks. 

It doesn’t matter, she reminds herself, and if she throws herself into the potion work so she doesn’t hear them again, well, no one needs to know.

They finish the potion and the shade of blue comes out as pearly, just as it should, exactly as it should. 

Roderich glances at her with an almost smile and she returns it, feeling something bloom in her chest, a little pride at their potion.

Now all that’s left to do is wait a day until they have to hand it in.

* * *

Getting better was still hard. Amelia still gave in on some days, letting the voice spitting insults at her calm and remind her that _it's okay, well, only if you get that ruler back_ -

So Amelia didn't really give in much anymore. 

She didn't want marks on her legs or marks on her arms. 

Amelia hated looking at them, they were ugly and stretched over her skin and made her feel filthy and used. 

Disgusting. 

If anyone saw, they'd be disgusted and shocked. 

Amelia _knew_ normal people didn't do that and sometimes her arms itches and she only scratched hard once, a red mark on the underbelly of the arm, from the wrist area to her elbow's nook. 

It faded later but Amelia couldn't help but be skittish after she did so, wondering wildly if people would think she was a freak. 

Amelia was glad she didn't do any marks on her arms, the ones on her legs were bad enough, but the arms were easier to be seen and she was just really lucky and-

But they were all over her upper thighs, beginning from a few inches above the knees and working their way up. 

A realization struck her abruptly, derailing her train of thought. 

Shorts. 

Amelia couldn't wear shorts in the summer or else someone would see and they would laugh or be disgusted or hate her-

And it was so stupid because all she would have to do is just not wear shorts but at the same time, now she couldn't wear shorts and what if someone asked and they had suspicions- 

No, Amelia told herself forcefully, no one would care. It was impossible anyway, she continued on, biting down on her tongue and narrowing her eyes as she grimaced. 

It wasn't fair, she whined. Everyone else would be showing off long legs and she wouldn't be able to and people would think she was a freak. 

Amelia put a stop to that as quickly as she could. She had to grow up. Even if she didn't know how, she had to try, at the very least. 

But it was hard. What was she supposed to do next? She didn't even know. 

She didn't know how to be more mature or act more grown up. 

Where did Amelia start? 

* * *

Amelia stared at the book buried deep inside her trunk.

Spring break was in a few weeks (which meant it was probably a little early to freak out about her scars- ugh, scars, like Amelia had blood oozing out of cuts or something- and hopefully, although it was likely impossible, they would fade into nothingness. 

The book. 

Her mother had given it to her. Despite their... rocky relationship, there had been ups to the pitfalls and trenches. There had been moments where Amelia felt safe and like she could do anything with her mother's support.

There had been those moments that made Amelia's heart twist so painfully when she looked back wistfully. What could have been. 

But instead, Amelia got fucked up. 

Memories swirled inside her mind and Amelia lingered, wondering if the pain was worth replaying a few repeatedly. 

No. She knew that from experience.

Shame burned in her eyes and in the back of her throat and in her stomach, and you could see it in the wobble of her knees and the sting of her eyes. 

Amelia knew that to linger was to invite the shame to burn inside her, burning inside until it burst out and there was nothing left but a few ashes scattered to the winds. 

To linger was to trust blindly in something Amelia already knew would not reward her faith. 

To linger was to hurt. 

Huddling around the campfire, shivering as her teeth chattered until her mother gave her a jacket.

Sneaking into her mother's bed and falling asleep there with her, hands twined together, palms sweaty and hearts light. 

Amelia stopped. 

To linger was to hurt, she reminded herself. 

It was too far back anyway. 

There was no point in remembering. 

She was fine now, she was better, better, better and it was fine, really, great- 

A nasty scowl worked its way on Amelia's face as things began to blur and stop making sense ~~(to linger was to hurt)~~ and if anyone saw her, they'd be surprised because Amelia looked absolutely _vile_ , like she hated something with every fiber of her soul, of her very being. 

Amelia swallowed the lump in her throat, reminding herself over and over that to linger was to hurt and she'd lingered to the point of loitering. 

She'd stayed too long reminiscing over past troubles. 

Amelia fumbled around for her glasses, slipping them on and the world slipped into focus again. 

She was fine, Amelia thought. 

Amelia flashed a clumsy smile that faded all too quickly.

Well, it'd probably come easier surrounded by people she cared about, Amelia reasoned. 

Amelia was fine. 

* * *

Amelia stared as the professor's flinty eyes which appraised her. She fidgeted with her hands, playing with a loose string. The corridor was empty, only the two of them there.

A flutter of hope grew as she remembered the proud look in Roderich’s eyes and the almost-smile they had shared when they saw how it had come out. 

Amelia stared up at him, feeling utterly vulnerable- a tremor of hope and a tremor of fear intertwining. 

He looked away and Amelia's heart sank. She knew that look all too well. 

It became a little harder to breathe and much harder to even want to. Amelia's eyes stung but she bit her tongue to refrain from the words sparking on her tongue. 

She could see her professor's mouth moving, even hear the words, but they went in through one ear and out the other. 

Not good enough, not good enough, her mind supplied her with. 

Amelia took a breath in and exhaled a trembling breath. 

She stared at the floor, which was rapidly becoming a blurry blob of a murky gray. 

She felt something trickle down her face before passing onto her lips and then slipping off her chin and falling on her robes.

The professor didn't notice the stray tear or her shaking hands clenching her robes. 

He never noticed. 

"I'm sorry, but you do understand, right?" The professor's clear cut words should've cut through the fog that surrounded her, that loomed over her, but it didn't. 

Amelia nodded and looked down towards the floor. When he didn't say anything, she took a breath and responded, "Yes, sir," as if all the life had been sucked out of her. 

"Thank you. Well, I must be off now." The professor nodded curtly and began to walk away, steps echoing in the empty hallway, Amelia staring after him as he went until he disappeared. But even then, she was staring at the corner where he'd turned, until she was entirely sure he was gone and wouldn't come back. 

"I hate you," she said in a quiet voice, not daring to say it louder. "I fucking hate you."


End file.
